Since I was very little I have not been at home
with both my parents. There were both separated. My mom met someone else who is
now my stepfather. He was there when i moved back from down south to my home in
Queens. Since he was in my mother life, my stepdad has tried to be the father
figure in my life. Mind you my dad was living in Freeport by this time. One
thing that came with my stepfather living with us was his form of discipline
with a belt. He used that to keep me line ever since I was five. It was like
the ultimate punishment no matter did whether I had temper tantrums, getting my
letters or numbers wrong, acted out in public. Sure these things were bad for
any kid and but it's not like I could say no to him. My dad didn’t know that he
was beating me. This had continued all the way till I was about 13. I was
living in an apartment in Queens and then I moved to Richmond Hill. In 1996, my
brother Christian was born and we stayed in Richmond hill for about 2 1/2
years. In 1999 we left queens and moved to Hempstead in long island. Since my
brother was born, my mom did not allow me to see my father or my father side of
my family. I felt alone because since my brother was baby, he was receiving
more of the attention. I didn’t think it was fair that I lost my mom to my
stepfather, and now because she was married to him, I felt like i was being
replaced. I didn’t hate my brother but I did fight with him a lot and because
he was younger he didn’t get in trouble like I did. We did have some good
moments where he would be with me when i was playing games with him. We like
playing Super Mario Sunshine.
In 2002, I was whooped for taking coins of out my
brother bank. at the time they didn't know I did that they thought I took from
out of my mom’s room. If there is a reason on why I took money at all from my
parents is because I would go to school hungry and sometimes I would have to
call my dad to give me some money so that I could eat. In any case I got a
whoopin and the next day I had school. The marks that were left on my body were
noticed by the nurse. I was called down several times by the nurse to measure
each individual mark. Then they called cps on my mom and later that day my mom
was arrested. I didn’t mean for it to happen. Afterwards I was sent to foster
care for about a week. It was weird to live there but I was soon released to
live with my dad. I graduated and went to high school where I made some bad
choices aka cutting. I was also going through family court in and out of high
school. I cut class a lot and when the court saw that. It made my dad look like
he wasn’t a good father and they sent me to live my mom again. It was hell because
My family blamed me for what had happened to my mother. So I had to wait until I
was 17 and when graduation came up. I ran away twice but the 2nd time I was
gone and I went down south. It was at this time that I start exhibiting signs
of other personalities.
So I made it through high school, but I was not
prepared for the real world. At this time, I am 18 and currently with no
job. My dad makes me look for one and
after a few months I was able to find one. I started to work at babies’ r us in
2007. It was first job and it would be the first time I would know what having
money in my hand felt like. Oh man I bought everything, Books Anime, Burger
King Ftw. However, I was not just pleased with a job, I had also wanted to go
to school as well. I couldn't say why but I did work hard to get all paperwork
in order for me to get in to school. At 19 years old I was able to get in NCC
during the fall semester of 2007. During my first semester I had remedial Classes
but then again I had been out of school for a year. I couldn’t really remember
what I was taught back then. It is now 2008 and it is the spring semester. I
was doing well on my job and in school as well. I even manage to be in
relationship. This golden age for me couldn't last forever as at home my dad
had contemplated moving out of the house into his gf. He was putting me under a
lot of pressure telling me things like that I should be buying myself a
computer and not letting my grandmother do everything for me. I did want to go down
south to get away from him. But in doing so I gave up everything. My home, job,
relationship. I ended up leaving my dad to move out of the house and he threw
out everything i owned. Basically everything I bought with my money. I felt
like all my dad really cared about was his new relationship. Every weekend the
same thing he just be out with her and it felt like a repeat of what my mom was
doing with my stepfather. I would wait up for him so i could play with games
with him. So in response I left with my uncle to go down south to live my
grandmother. We went to Detroit first to celebrate my grand-aunt birthday and
then we flew from Detroit to Atlanta and then to Alabama. Even though I was
back home. I was convinced that my back home was New York with my ex. I had arguments
with grandma to the point where she didn’t want me there and my mom had offer
to take me back into the house. I didn’t really want to do this but I had no
choice. my dad didn’t live at the house anymore and I referred to it as the old
house on weir St. Even though I was back in New York nothing felt right. My 20th
birthday was pretty shitty and my mom or my family didn’t do anything form
except for my sister and my dad. Two months later before school started again.
I was kicked out of my mom’s house due to disagreements. Something in me
snapped as if it were waiting for a moment like this. I kept having moments
where I would wake up after blacking out. Getting into situations I couldn’t
explain and hurting people who wished no longer to be around me.
Fall Semester of 2008,
On the first day of school I meet with some old
friends but at the same time I am thinking about where am I going to stay
tonight because I am not at home. I never been kicked out before so this was
more hands on scenario. I thought about my dad and I told him what happened. He
could only do but so much because the place he was at was full of people. I didn’t
want to deal with my mom so I thought of the only other place I could go. My
friend joseph’s house. Thankfully his mom was kind of let me stay. I had
history with the Munisteri's ever since Joseph went to the high school. I kind
of looked out for him. Any who my dad tells me to go back to my mother .to my
surprise to hear this coming out of his mouth. I did what he told me to do. I
struggled through my 3rd semester. In the first week of October I got into a
big argument with my mom and my stepfather. My mom was basically demeaning my
father which I cannot stand since my dad doesn't really do that to her. It was
getting me fed up and I had enough. Before I know I am stuffing my bag with
laptop a pair of jeans, my chucks and few other items. I no longer cared about
what they had to say. I left my house without looking back. The first real
stand against the oppression I felt coming from them. At this time My
grandmother just happened to send me money.($100) When I left my mom's, I could
hear my step dad tell me don't come back. I still had the key so I would be
back. The next day I grabbed my bike and few other things from the house when
they weren’t home. I stayed with a friend during the time i wasn’t home. Also
during this time, I was introduced to someone who my friend thought could help
me through my ordeal. It turned there
was much more to this person that he let on. One day during the weekend. I was
contemplating about heading back in to my mom’s house. With some proper
motivation i did exactly that but I wasn't expecting the alarm to go off. So
instead of panicking I waited for the police to show. Then I called my mom and
told her to hurry the police are in front of the house. My Mom tried to prevent
the police from entering the house. but since i had proof that I lived there
plus the key they allowed me in. What I didn’t count on is my brothers seeing
the cops and me walk in together. So the cops had allowed me to get somethings
my mom grabbed the phone she gave me out of my hand so I couldn’t use it. She
also tries stop me from getting the new clothes she bought for me but the cop
could see that she was lying and allowed me to continue. This was both hard on
me and necessary at the same time. In the end I gave her the key to the house
and waved by to my brother. My only regret at this time is not being there with
them. Outside I was told to wait inside the police car with my luggage in the
trunk. As I sat in the back of the police car. He asked me for my parent’s
information. without thinking I just gave it to them because i had memorized
it. This is the 2nd time I felt like I had betrayed my mother. School was
really difficult because I wasn't in a stable environment and after a month of
staying at the friend’s house he gave me short notice and told me I had to
leave. I didn’t have a back plan as I still didn’t have a job or family who
could help me. So I went back to Joseph's house and the stay was much longer.
Passing my classes just seemed out of my reach. Food seemed impossible to get because
of this situation. Plus, that Special Someone turned out to be a lot younger
that she looked. I couldn’t stay with her any longer because i just be
condemning myself. So I left that alone and had to focus on myself. I somehow
managed to get through the semester but I failed and withdrew from classes
which didn’t help me at all. I was just in a downward spiral and I didn’t see a
way back from it.
From the fall of the 2008 to the spring semester
of 2009, a lot has happened. I moved from Joseph's house to my dad's gf house.
I felt so out of place here even though I was with my dad. It was Hempstead and
just attitude it carried when I arrived at the house. It was eight of us in the
house. It was pretty bad having to adjust to this. I felt alone there at the
house because I knew it wasn’t just me and my dad anymore. He has someone in
life now who cares about him, Although I saw they had a bottle of Hennessey out
I would just take it from them claiming that it causes problems. The problem I
faced while I was here was that I wasn't hood enough and I had this mindset
that I didn’t want to be ghetto. My dad corrected me by saying how you take you
care of self shows how ghetto you are. I was dumbfounded when I heard that. He
also told me that I was acting like a snob. Looking at him I was just like wow
dad. I don’t have much and I feel alone in this house what is there for me to
be snobby about. My dad's gf was someone I didn’t like much of at first because
how I felt. I felt like the people my parents chose, they chose to spent more
time with them. After a few months I warmed up to them except for a few, they couldn’t
really be reasoned with. During this time, I was able to get a new job at a
place called Dollar Tree and I was able to be in another relationship. This to
me felt like another golden age like how it was back then in 2008.
Over the years from 2009-2012, I was with someone
who I felt like I need no other person in my life. I felt complete. At first I
thought that everything was going well. Then 2010 came. I call that year the
year of Arguments. That year alone showed how ruthless my personalities were.
Within that year alone I ended up losing my job again, breaking up a group who
I felt really close, being the sole reason for a friend wanting to commit
suicide, and the reason on why did really bad in school again during fall and
spring semester. Also during this time i was out of work for about 11 months
until I was able to get a job at Walmart. I literally had no way of getting
there, no bus fare and no ride. Plus, it was very cold and the wind didn't
help. So in order to get the job. I walked from Hempstead to Westbury in the
cold to get there. I got the job along with a cold that last about week.
Working at Walmart was not e
xciting even though I had a job and my gf at the
time worked there. I wasn't accepted by anyone there; I choose to keep to
myself so I didn’t get caught up in Walmart drama. Also as an associate I got a
really bad manager who gave me crap hours and made work in the men's department
at times by myself. That was my job for a year and half. In 2011, my gf brother
had asked me to do something for her. He was preparing himself for boot camp in
order to join the marines. This left his sister with no place to really go. I
felt under pressure with the fact he was asking me to do this. I didn’t have a
place to bring her to until I thought about it and said I could ask Joseph's
mom if she could her stay there. Surprisingly it didn’t take much to convince
her and she said yes. I still worked at Wal-Mart. They cut my hours severely. I felt like it
was intentional but I didn’t complain. It gave me to time to think about
things. For some reason in 2012, people believed that the end of the world was
coming. I was skeptical but at the same time who know when that will actually
be. One day as I was on my way to work. I went inside 7-11 around my house. The
owner told me " You look like you need a job". I wasn't sure if that
suppose be for real or an insult. In reality I needed money and the fact this
woman looked me dead in the eye asking me I wanted a job. I took the job and
within two weeks I was hired. All of this happened during May 2012.It wasn’t
easy. I had to deal with homeless people, N***as, my boss at the time, and lotto
heads as I called them. The job itself allow me to see society in a different
way. It made me understand as person who before didn’t have a job to appreciate
having one. Why I decided to work at 7-11? It wasn't just for the weekly pay,
or location. I did it for the people. I felt like by working here, I could help
out the people in my community. During
the summer, I had just turned 24 by this time and it was 3 years I had been
with Tara. By being 24 years of age I could fill out my own financial aid form
and like that I was able to get back into school. But something had happened
before then. In august I met a guy named David. He was someone who Joseph and
his family knew very well. He was very good with technology, but I didn’t know
much about him. My computer had gotten hacked and someone mention that he could
help me fixed the problem. He fixed my computer and even upgraded it to windows
7 at the time. I thought he was cool person to be around. He also played one my
favorite games Super Metroid which was also very cool. In a way I admired his
skill as computer guy. Toward the end of august, I noticed that things were
different in my relationship. We were not doing much talking or anything really
romantic and I had a gut feeling something was just wrong. Sept 4, 2012 this is
day the world ended for me. I couldn't shake the uneasy feeling that someone else
was there. So one of my personalities took the opportunity to set up the web
cam just in case someone else was around when I wasn't. I think back on this
now and I will admit it was a bit extreme to do that. I told her what I did and
immediately she broke up with me. I broke down so fast, it felt like I was
struck in the heart by lightning. Nothing really matter anymore to me at the
point. She was very upset and I couldn’t do anything but blame myself for what
did. I tried to apologize and work things out with her but in the end her heart
made a decision. I was very unstable and didn’t know what to do. So I decide to
put myself in to Psychiatric Unit to stabilize my mental state. I was there for
a week and few days. The experience of being in a place like that is not one to
repeat. While I was there I would write poetry, read the bible and participate
in art therapy which i found very helpful. I even did a collage using words
from a magazine to form a very powerful message.
When I was there, Tara came to visit me twice as
a courtesy not as my gf but because she cared. What really killed me is what I
learned on her second visit. She told me that someone else loves her now. It
was the day before I was to be release from the unit. Not even two weeks later
and already she’s moved on. I couldn't believe it. It was worse when I found
when that she tried to get me kicked out of the house so she could stay. Also
the new guy that loved her turned out to be none other than David. I was really
crushed. At the same time, I felt like I deserved it because I betrayed her
trust. Others say that I am not wrong for thinking that she could have been
doing something the whole time. Regardless I had to witness her and him
together every day for a year and half. They didn’t live that far away from
where I was. Within five months of being with him she was already pregnant
which is nuts because i didn’t catch on until after. The thought of her didn’t
help me at all and it was just hard to deal with. I began to doubt my ability
to love another person again. I also doubted that I could live with myself
after what did. I won't lie and say that I didn’t think about killing myself. The
thought was clearly there. Thankfully I didn't go through with it. I worked
through the pain and went to school knowing what has happen cannot be undone. I
told myself that I would not betray the trust of someone else any more. At
least to the best of my ability.
