Anger, Doubt, and Fear.

As I leave the therapist's office, I wonder to myself. Am I doing the right thing by coming here? Is this the stepping stone I need to progress to the next level? I am in a swirl of my own emotions right now. Anger, doubt and fear. All of these emotions are negative and they have taken hold of me. I ask myself why?

Why am I angry? What do I have to be Angry about? I hear my mother words when I began to type that sentence. Well I guess I can start with my current situation. I will be 28 in a few days. I’m still living in Uniondale in my cave of solitude. Not even sure I can call my room a room, but never less I am grateful to have it. I would like to have good memories, but I can see myself getting inpatient about it. I am a patient person, I know I am. The anger only comes out when things don’t to go according to plan. I also anger that I can’t seem to solve my own problem. Loneliness is what gets me angrier because every time I make the attempt to be social, it seems to backfire. I also get angry because it seems like no one can take me seriously.

Why Do I doubt myself? Is it because I deny what is right in front of me? Doubting is who really my friend. Doubting if I am meant to do something important with my life. Where does it all come from?  Well, I believe that fear is usually put together with doubt for a reason. Change is something that is inevitable with all things. If no changes are made then the same thing will continue to happen.  Faith is the answer to doubt if I ever do feel like I am starting to doubt myself.

Why do allow fear to win? Fear is the greatest of these three emotions. It can literally stop me in my tracks, no matter what I am doing at the current moment. Nightmares are the embodiment of fear and also the reason why I cannot even sleep at night. Fear of something bad happening to myself or even someone else can bother me to some degree.

All these stem from me not knowing how to deal with each one. I get angry way too easily.  When I doubt, it comes from experience with people. Like the saying goes not all people are the same. However I keep falling into the same predicament. I feel for someone and they do as well maybe not at the same level. Then I go Sherlock Holmes and pay way too much attention to them and then after its all said and done. I realize i wasn't showing them love, i was showing them paranoia. Fear is what drives women away from me after realizing that I am a troubled human being. I have a long way to go.  I don't even know where to go from here. Where is somewhere I can belong to ? Who would support a troubled person like myself. 

This is just one of the many chapters in my life that I would like to work on.