The negatives

I highly doubt anyone will find this but if anyone knows this is that I haven’t been heard. Like actually heard by those who I would like to hear what it is I have to say.
To be called Toxic is plain upsetting . To be this monster that isn’t wanted. No one has called me a monster but that’s how I feel. No one seems happy to see me whenever I go into work. Even when I come home, I know the people hear but I don’t ever feel welcomed. There is a lot of fighting and I choose not to be a part of it.

I don’t smile a lot because I don’t know how to be happy among people. I don’t know how to socialize. I feel angry or upset if there is something I don’t understand. About someone or something and then if I don’t get it then it is even more frustrating.  I don’t get women at all even though I’ve been in relationships. I just hate it when they leave me behind.
They usually have a reason that I will never pick up on until it’s too late .

The following are what has been said to me: You didn’t grow up. It’s The way you say that to me. How can I tell you anything if you get angry. How about I tell people I am the reason why I can’t have a relationship.
I have things to focus on. I have to focus on me. You’re suffocating me. You give me anxiety. You are draining to me.

It’s these examples that make me feel as if I don’t matter. Especially if it is said more than once . I feel like I didn’t exist , their lives would have been so much better.

One thing I do hate is when my appearance is mentioned. I’m handsome. Not to me I’m not. I don’t feel like I am .
When you’ve been ignored for most of your life you expected to me ignored by most people. The ones who don’t ignore you well thank god for them. When I get rejected or neglected by anyone, I don’t feel like I matter.

I am insecure as hell. When I am told that I should love myself, I look at that person like they are crazy. Love myself? I was only shown how to please others. Loyalty was a trademark I would follow and justice  when it came down to doing the right thing.

People say I care a lot but they aren’t wrong . I just care for the wrong person.
I care for those people who see me for one  second think I’m one thing and finding out I’m something else entirely. They have this effect and I just fall for it . Every single time.

I want to cry a lot of the times and sometimes I do think about dying.
It all comes back to loss . Whenever I lose my relationship. Those memories and time overall just die with me. I don’t ever like dealing with it and I find out nothing really helps and no one is really around.


I do have my therapist. A way to soften the blow against myself. I do tell her what’s going on and she does say she wants me to be happy . Which will be the overall goal to improve mentally which then can lead to things improving overall.
Sometimes there are days where we miss the Mark and it will be difficult just even explain what I mean half the time .

I don’t make plans anymore. What for. I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to be around the wrong people. I don’t need people to betray me just like that. I don’t need that. It’s hard for me to be around anyone when that happens. I get paranoid and I just want to leave.

Suicide: for me it was only thoughts and very few attempts.  During my twenties it was more frequent to mention suicide. Even during my relationships I felt driven to that point but then my behavior was toxic. I cannot be toxic all by myself . It doesn’t work like that. Now in my 30s I don’t really see myself planning an attempt or talking about it really . So at least you can know that now.

What else do you need to know. I wrote about every negative thing about myself.
Not much else. I’m
Just hurting with no actually support right now . I keep saying this I just wish I had a girl who could stand here with me.

Then I could be okay. I could believe in myself more.  I know it’s Validation but that’s all I’ve known in my life and especially if it someone specific who says it. I shouldn’t rely on it.