Last one of the year👌🏾

 

Today is a new day

I’m going to enjoy it no matter what anyone says.

I am reminding myself that I am in control.

Reminding myself to be wary of the deep hole.

I’ve been Sparta kicked down so many times .

I fell off writing these lines,  back here again with the rhymes.

I rhyme because times are hard.

I rhyme because it beats drinking the whole bar.

Whether some reads it or not is what matters.

It’s my will and mental state I refuse to let shatter.

I only have one life.

When times get hard I don’t need the knife.

I just need a day with the sun.

To clear my mind and to have some fun.

Whether that be dueling or playing RE.

Reguardless of what people may think of me.

I’m still here despite everything.

I’m grateful for that .

Listening to those encouraging facts.

Grabbing my bag full of snacks.

Laughing instead of having anxiety attacks.

So here it the last poem of the year.

So long 2020 , to this year of fears.

They have come and now they are gone .

I have no desire to repeat the same song .

My only desire is not make myself open when I’m sad.

 Not Going back and asking  for what I used to have.

No need to now.

No reason to ask me how.

Just know I am focused.

Like Smokey says and you know this....

Mannn

2020😒

 

You know whats funny.

This whole year called 2020.

Let me tell you why.

First of all, I’m just one guy.

Yet alone I’ve been tested so much.

Covid came and gave no fucks.

It still here and it’s just getting worse.

Feeling nothing but the pain and the hurt.

Everyone is going through it and it’s no different On my end.

I’m still looking for that person that understands.

Cause I know who I am .

I do what I can .

I can’t save everyone when I need to work on me .

I’m alone right now , maybe it’s destiny.

Cause love isn’t really there for one thing.

Just have to keep it together through this recovery.

I know I need to have faith.

I need to realize that everyone makes mistakes.

Even wish I didn’t and still had you.

I wouldn’t feel so blue.

I know not everyone can handle me

Comparing me to the toxicity.

You say what you want , it’s going to come back.

if I manage to survive the verbal  attack.

I did nothing to hurt anyone but still I did in someway.

Somehow ...😓

That’s not the way to start the day.



Venting is good for the soul.

 

To anyone who reads this. 

I just want to state this for the record.

I am a social awkward, depressed individual.

That being said... I’m just going to vent now.  Also I do explain why I am upset so I don’t have to talk about it ever again .

As a person who been going through it, I should be grateful to be alive and not out in the cold . I just wish I didn’t feel so alone at times . It happens even when there is someone there.

Yeah that is just something I really needed to get off my chest.

Every time I talk to someone who I think can offers advice , it turns into being told what to do so.  Also I don’t mind trying out things, but it’s more along the lines if I am able to.  I know I mess up a lot . I mess up at home, at school, at work and even in my personal life.

I don’t really feel like I am good at most things . Sure I write poetry, do impressions, play yugioh and occasionally play Re4. Those are mostly distractions. 

Nowadays I don’t get much joy out of doing said things anymore because honestly something just tells me I am wasting time . I’m always tense and I cannot relax at all. Even when doctors tell me to relax I can’t . Besides it’s not wise to tell someone who is already mad to relax , it just pisses them off.  

So the reason why I am upset ....😳

I trigger people. I managed to  actually  trigger four ppl this year and I would’ve never known until the very end where the bridge burns and crumbles. Their life always seems to be a lot better without me in it to ruin things.

Needless to say that hearing a cold ass comment at the end of all things shouldn’t exactly place the blame on me. It’s more half and half really .  perception of one’s words can really make all the difference but only if you know what they mean .

Truth be told , I rather they be direct with it.  That way I know , I feel like crap , pick myself up and  then overcome it

Half the time , I have to repeat myself because of mumbling and just being bad at explaining things. I say over and over , I’m not good at explaining things. Of course that’s not heard and assumptions are made.  I get left out of things often and then later on , it gets assumed that I know what’s going on. I’m like really....😒

You couldn’t just open your fucking mouth and tell me.Not everyone is like this but I do my best to not assume that. I go off based on my experiences dealing with the matter . I’m not always right  but if my gut feels funny then I am going to go with that.

My support group or my friends , I miss y’all where ever y’all are at . However there are some who I don’t understand why they did what they did.  Why did they betray me?  Did they feel they were off with me around? That’s just me guessing but I will never know because well they don’t really respond.

It’s hard for me to talk about things . When I talk , I feel like all I’m doing to that person who is listening that I am complaining when all they want to do is simply not be there and have to listen to it.

That’s why I would rather talk about something else particularly that’s not my personal issues . That be great. I’m not being sarcastic.  I feel so limited when I don’t talk and have to bottle it up because people don’t get me . This doesn’t apply to those who do know me so you can relax. 

Posting things on Facebook usually isn’t a good idea however , this is me just getting it  off my chest in my own words reguardless on how I am viewed by others. It sickens me to know that I do trigger people and that I can be overwhelming. 

It’s not done on purpose and I wish people would get that.

What people don’t realize is that I hold my tongue because a lot of shit gets overlooked. If I was able to get away with half the shit these mothers do man I be one slick ass nigga . Alas that is not me . I say this you have no idea to wake up as me . Having to be me in every waking moment . I go at my own pace not in everyone else fucking pace. I have my moments but so does everyone else . I rather not be reminded where I fuck up because I have memories for that exact reason. To have someone keep reminding you is like pressing rewind on a part you wanna skip. I went through it once. I don’t need an echo.

I’m sorry for what I did. I’m sorry that I have offended anyone . I’m sorry for all the people I may have affected with my actions overall as a man. I’m

Just tired being left out and only called on when something is needed. I’m tired of seeing the struggle, working through it ,listening to niggas who have all these answers and yet in the same damn position.  I’m just like y’all . 

I’ve may have strayed off, repeated myself in this ,but hey you know that’s why it’s called venting...😎