To anyone who reads this.
I just want to state this for the record.
I am a social awkward, depressed individual.
That being said... I’m just going to vent now. Also I do explain why I am upset so I don’t have to talk about it ever again .
As a person who been going through it, I should be grateful to be alive and not out in the cold . I just wish I didn’t feel so alone at times . It happens even when there is someone there.
Yeah that is just something I really needed to get off my chest.
Every time I talk to someone who I think can offers advice , it turns into being told what to do so. Also I don’t mind trying out things, but it’s more along the lines if I am able to. I know I mess up a lot . I mess up at home, at school, at work and even in my personal life.
I don’t really feel like I am good at most things . Sure I write poetry, do impressions, play yugioh and occasionally play Re4. Those are mostly distractions.
Nowadays I don’t get much joy out of doing said things anymore because honestly something just tells me I am wasting time . I’m always tense and I cannot relax at all. Even when doctors tell me to relax I can’t . Besides it’s not wise to tell someone who is already mad to relax , it just pisses them off.
So the reason why I am upset ....😳
I trigger people. I managed to actually trigger four ppl this year and I would’ve never known until the very end where the bridge burns and crumbles. Their life always seems to be a lot better without me in it to ruin things.
Needless to say that hearing a cold ass comment at the end of all things shouldn’t exactly place the blame on me. It’s more half and half really . perception of one’s words can really make all the difference but only if you know what they mean .
Truth be told , I rather they be direct with it. That way I know , I feel like crap , pick myself up and then overcome it
Half the time , I have to repeat myself because of mumbling and just being bad at explaining things. I say over and over , I’m not good at explaining things. Of course that’s not heard and assumptions are made. I get left out of things often and then later on , it gets assumed that I know what’s going on. I’m like really....😒
You couldn’t just open your fucking mouth and tell me.Not everyone is like this but I do my best to not assume that. I go off based on my experiences dealing with the matter . I’m not always right but if my gut feels funny then I am going to go with that.
My support group or my friends , I miss y’all where ever y’all are at . However there are some who I don’t understand why they did what they did. Why did they betray me? Did they feel they were off with me around? That’s just me guessing but I will never know because well they don’t really respond.
It’s hard for me to talk about things . When I talk , I feel like all I’m doing to that person who is listening that I am complaining when all they want to do is simply not be there and have to listen to it.
That’s why I would rather talk about something else particularly that’s not my personal issues . That be great. I’m not being sarcastic. I feel so limited when I don’t talk and have to bottle it up because people don’t get me . This doesn’t apply to those who do know me so you can relax.
Posting things on Facebook usually isn’t a good idea however , this is me just getting it off my chest in my own words reguardless on how I am viewed by others. It sickens me to know that I do trigger people and that I can be overwhelming.
It’s not done on purpose and I wish people would get that.
What people don’t realize is that I hold my tongue because a lot of shit gets overlooked. If I was able to get away with half the shit these mothers do man I be one slick ass nigga . Alas that is not me . I say this you have no idea to wake up as me . Having to be me in every waking moment . I go at my own pace not in everyone else fucking pace. I have my moments but so does everyone else . I rather not be reminded where I fuck up because I have memories for that exact reason. To have someone keep reminding you is like pressing rewind on a part you wanna skip. I went through it once. I don’t need an echo.
I’m sorry for what I did. I’m sorry that I have offended anyone . I’m sorry for all the people I may have affected with my actions overall as a man. I’m
Just tired being left out and only called on when something is needed. I’m tired of seeing the struggle, working through it ,listening to niggas who have all these answers and yet in the same damn position. I’m just like y’all .
I’ve may have strayed off, repeated myself in this ,but hey you know that’s why it’s called venting...😎
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