wanting to go ghost 4 real.

 

I am Ghost.

Going Ghost more than most.

Feeling like I've lost all hope. 

I don't see anyway to really cope.

I don't know  who I can talk to.

Maybe what they say about me is true.

I bring everything down.

So much feeling and I don't even make a  sound.

What can I do to not be  the same?

Is there a way to overcome this pain?

My support isn't even there.

Life is just unfair.

Im just saying, these days are the worst.

Hanging my head low dragging my feet through  the dirt.

How am I suppose to feel great?

People falling off, tired of these people who are fake.

Everyone  can vent but  me.

Im not asking  for your  pity.

Im not asking  much of anything.

Just be there for me in my corner please.

I know i would do that for you in a heartbeat.

Is that so much to ask for?

I really dont know anything anymore.

I just sit in my room alone.

It Feels more like a hole than home.

Am I Walking toward the edge

 

I got through this week some how.

Now that a new week begins. I still have doubts.

Whether I am a good person?

Whether  if anyone can understand?

I’m losing people around me .

It’s really Saddening.

People you care about , gone too soon.

It’s hurts to go outside , go to retreat inside my room.

When I stay in here for  a long time.

I try to tell myself that I am fine.

You know , I got this so don’t even worry.

After all what’s the hurry.

Just keep playing the music.

Embrace what you have and use it.

After all , to be outside I need some confidence.

It’s not easy once you make the decision.

Going forward has to remain my mission.

As much as I don’t want to think about what happened, I do...

That night was really not cool.

I didn’t mean to make anyone feel afraid.

I didn’t twist my words for any benefit or gain.

My way of thinking isn’t the same

I do a lot of thinking especially when read or when I play a game .

Now all that’s left is me.

Walking the path of destiny.

I’m not sure if getting weak was a part of it .

I really don’t know what to do about this.

I can’t keep doing the same thing and nothing changes.

Am I going to keep walking the same way till I reach the edge ?! 

Just doing my thing again

 

protecting myself from the toxicity for now on.

I can’t be too reckless or else I am gone .

My mind has taken a toll , my body is no better.

I’m still crossing the street in all kinds of weather. 

Battered and worn- out T-shirt and jeans 

I still rock chuck Taylor’s as I damn well please.

Listening to my playlist of mp3s

Always down to listen to some LP.

Walking down the street

to the bodega to grab me something to eat.

Bacon egg and cheese.

Hey I gotta eat.

Just thinking overall about today.

What do I want to say?

I wish my back was okay.

It will heal in time. Let’s stay optimistic.

Even when I feel ok, let’s not to be drastic.

It is after all about healing.

Writing How about my overall feelings.

I’m doing alright, can’t really complain.

Things are the same.

Taking it slow and playing some games.

Everyday is new and never ceases to change.

That’s how things are.

I’ve made progress, I’ve come so far.

I know that I work really hard.

Not for me but for those around me who know what I am about.

It’s not about clout.

It’s about doing right by each other.

Together in unison as sisters and brothers.

Panicking during a Pandemic.

 

I do what I can each day and still I feel the same.

Being positive needs to be my focus until negativity doesn't remain.

Here I am just wondering if I am letting the past take over me.

Why can't I just be me?

I am really not even thinking about what happened back then.

I am at the point where a new chapters begins.

Two weeks into recovery and my back still hurts,

My mind is lost and my chest feels even worse.

As this rate, the slightest bit of help is needed.

I am doing what I am suppose be doing so why do I feel defeated?

Oh it's that nagging thought in the back of my head.

I'm still grateful to be here and not end up dead.

The one thing I think about more than anything else.

That thing that I felt.

I don't really like talking about it.

I have before.... I am trying not to be nostalgic,

What used to be.....Fucking Pandemic.

It ruined Everything,

It really did or maybe that was me.

I don't know anymore.

I'm just not happy and I really try to be.

People just don't get it the fact that it is hard.

I've come so damn far.

Yet the obvious is always stated.

I really hate it.

Pointing it out, talking to me like I am dumb,

I am not useless. I am someone.

I feel like I am there for a reason or something more.

I'm not a bore, or  here to do your damn chores.

I just want to open that fucking door.

So I don't have to worry anymore

Hold On To The Life We still have.

 

 This feeling when your heart clutches it hurts your chest.

Feeling like life is slipping away with each and every breath.

Your body goes into shock from fright in the middle of night.

It never feels right.

It never feels right when you lose that connection.

Words are exchanged and can be deadly as weapons.

You can use them to attack or to defend.

Be assertive not aggressive as you try to understand.

It is important to get your feelings across and the message to be clear.

I had to learn that lesson the hard way after so many years.

I am still learning and I am choosing to not give up.

It's not all what someone else has or even luck.

It's faith and effort that makes all the difference.

Apply it to yourself first and see the outcome.

It is not the same place you came from.

Rather it is still part of the journey.

Remember each day is lesson as we are students still learning.