To those I wish it were but never had the opportunity.

To the people I wish I could I talk to.  

It would been nice if I had a chance.

Then again you did and try your best to understand.

I am not like the usual people you meet.

Saying how are you to me is a simple greeting.

Granted a lot of us are thirsty but that's not me.

I just wanted to see where things could be.

Alas, life moves on.

I have too as well and be just as strong.

I will remember you all.

When I heard the word no, I stumbled but didn't fall.

Can't fall down every time I hear the word no.

Unlike asking, writing for me is the way to go.

We live our lives as best we can.

Surely as I am writing and you're reading this that you understand.

I am a man.

A man who writes.

A man who types in rhyme not to get your affections but to let some things off my chest.

I strive to do my best.

There are times, I wish I could rest.

I wish I could dream. 

I wish I could pass through the dimension of the in the between.

A Multi-verse.

A version of me who didn't suffer through all of the hurt.

Confident in ability and that had a family

Yes, that sounds lovely.

Don't you think?

Needed to write this.....

 

 

As per usual, I cannot sleep even though I have work tomorrow.  So I figure I just write whatever I choose to write. I'm on my third drink right now so yeah I hope I can get out whatever is choosing to stay embedded in my head.

33 years old and at this very moment. I want to give up more than anything. No no, it's not because of a female so those reading this get that out of your head right now. I have better things to do than simp cause there is more to life. 

This year has been kicking my ass and as we approach the fourth month. I am approaching things with all caution. Right now I don't feel like I have friends. Let me explain what I mean even if you didn't ask for it. I'm going whether you like it or not.

First of , I am sorry .

I don't feel at this time that I have friends or a close group I can relay information to. I feel like I have people who know of me, that at certain point time feel like that they can turn to me for advice for a variety of topics. I only know on how to help but not really do any thing more. I have given time and energy and very little money to those who have helped me overall. Regardless I wish I could have done more but life has its priorities and I am no different. Most likely I will post to this to Facebook for those who are curious to see what is going on with me and for those who like to fish there's that too. I am aware of your existence.

 As people who have said this to me, In the past I was guilty of blowing up on friends due to extreme circumstances. The fact is it was only the fact I blew up . That is what people paid attention to and not the cause. I don't act like that unless something provokes me to. I don't really need to play a victim. Granted I get hurt but I choose to  express myself productively if it means something positive can come from it.All the pieces matter and not what a person decides to leave out for their own gain. I'm no stranger to this but I do understand the importance of silence.

That being said, I am and will be sorry for ever putting someone in that situation. Even though what I went through to me gave me the reason to roam the realm as a ghost. I choose to leave that in God's hands and I made a promise to Chester to not even remotely attempt that.I have been told that I am overwhelming, that I bring the mood down, that I need help. Not from strangers either but from people I have put trust in. Let me clear that is why I choose to keep my distance. Sorry not being fan on being blunt but I am not like that in any unless I am provoked.( Yes I know I am repeating myself, good thing we are aware of that.)

I am no entertainer for drama. 

I know my worth friends. I know my worth to those who have dated me . To those who have children I wish nothing but the best for the next generation. To all my friends on Facebook. From me to you, You can do anything and regardless of status, sex, orientation, and etc. You are the future and You got this.

 

To my family,

I am sorry I am not the best at communicating at all. Granted social media is the worst place to post personal shit but hey it stay here forever won't it. I am sorry dad I fucked up in High school. I made you and myself look bad. I am sorry I didn't get to really know my cousins or my grandfather or my uncle. I am sorry that I didn't have that complete family. The one I dream of.  Granted Y'all didn't know that but hey I am saying it now ain't I?

I am sorry to my Mom and our family. I am sorry that no one for some dumb ass reason won't really reach my grandmother. She's by herself and I cannot always be all over the map. Even though I saw how she really is. How she misses the way thing used to be . When the family gave a fuck.

 Sorry. 

 Y'all need to give a fuck because life is short and bickering on the fact that there is nothing to do. I am younger than all of y'all and I found it at times to be quite peaceful. That's not an excuse. Yeah she will repeat herself. Will pray for you until she is blue in the damn face but come on  what the fuck y'all got me fucking crying knowing y'all living your best lives and won't even see her for a damn weekend.

Damn I finally got to say that .

I wrote a lot and still have more to write on.

I am in therapy because there is a lot here that I haven't said and when I feel ready to disclose said information,you'll know.  For Now. Don't ASK.

 So for those who don't know. I do encourage mental awareness and if it is that bad. SEEK HELP.

Not that Liquid or leaf therapy or hell even retail therapy. That shit is a waste of money. Believe me.

I would say have a social group but I need actual fucking people who are willing to set a side for a moment not forever to actual let me vent. Be neutral and let you know if I fucked up. That's a great thing to have. Right now, I don't have that. But what I do have is this. the ability to write and express.

I feel like I have been left alone for a reason and surprisingly I haven't really reached out because honestly I rather learn what I did wrong and communicate on my own terms than kiss someone's ass.You don't have to read or respond but it is still going to be posted OK. I'm glad you understand.

Yeah I can be a bit outspoken but normally I would be cut off and not allowed to say anything. Fuck that. If everyone can get their opinion out why can't I?

Stand up for what you need to do .

Starting today , I will not react if someone doesn’t like me.

No more yelling 

Just I can’t keep doing that to myself.

It hurts a lot to go through all that hell.

Especially those who know that you get mad quick.

Out there  with their guerrilla tactics.

I get mad and they play victim saying I  need to calm down .

Oh because there’s people around .

I’m not going to make another sound .

 Really , though there’s no reason for any of that.

Bet  you wouldn’t like it if I made you feel like crap.

Wish it were easy to not react.

I’m walking away from this situation.

All this damn stress , I need a vacation.

It’s late though I gotta head to bed.

Let me not have nightmares and have dreams instead.



Finding hope while being a Ghost

 

Sometimes I can be a ghost.

Sometimes I try to have hope.

Don’t really want to be down and mope.

That’s mindset is not for me . Sorry nope.

I’ve been keeping to myself for a good reason .

Starting this way with the spring season.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking of where to go from here.

Had a bit of a rough start this year.

Yet somehow,

I know I can figure this out .

Swarming through my head is opinions of doubt.

Seeing life in black and white.

I am doing what I think is right.

Even if people don’t agree.

That’s why speech is free.

I can say it and then move on.

Life can be trying.

That’s why I do my best to keep smiling.

Regardless of being left alone or behind.

I’m not like that at all, I rather be kind.

Kill it with kindness as they like to say .

Forgive those are wrong, taking the time out to pray .

The sun shines brightly so why shouldn’t I enjoy the day .

Just those questions I ask at times.

 

When a person decides to leave, does anyone really care?

When something doesn’t go your way, is life really fair? 

When someone decides to complain...

From their point of view to you, does it sound insane ? 

Who knows what someone is actually thinking?

I’m not a mind reader, yet the circle keeps on shrinking.

That is just how it is.

No one has the guidebook for dealing with this.

Yet somehow we keep going forward.

Toward better things.

That’s the hope at least.

Letting go all that negative energy.

So that finally ..

We can smile again someday.



Paddy’s Poem

This is a first for me , don’t judge.

Normally would have stayed in the room and not budge.

Today is Paddy day  so  it is time to head to  the bar.

Kinda wish they weren’t so damn far.

Starting off with an angry orchard , that cider goes hard. 

It brings me back to the day I had three.

It wasn’t that bad at all actually.

Spent times with the homies.

Laughing and singing 

Those were those days.

Maybe they can happen again, who can say.

As I sit as this bar and write.

This fried shrimp basket in front  is a lovely sight.

Can’t even lie, wasn’t planning to be here.

Just decided to and abandon that fear.

Going out by myself has always been a challenge.

Coming to and centering myself . Finding that balance.

Isn’t that what it is all about ?

Only way to know is to go out there and find out.

Just a Vibe-Flow

 

 

 

Never meant to be so draining.

Never meant to keep complaining.

All I want to do is vent.

All I want to be is content.

I have to be stronger than this.

Powering through all these hits

I have to do better with my depression.

Every failure is an even better lesson

I only got one life, gotta  keep it right.

Have to walk away from that and not fight.

 They're right though.

Those teachers who told me not give up hope.

All will be well.

I refuse to go through that hell.

Not when I have a rope to grab hold of.

Courtesy of the who watches from above.

Whatever this vibe is, it feels good.

 I can connect to everything and not be misunderstood.

Yeah, Yeah I would like to feel this all the time.

I'm at my best when I can write these rhymes.

Can I just Exist ? (Self- Recovery is Important too)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sitting in a room and thinking that it has come to this.

I just got one question though, can I just please take time to exist?

Feeling like I am just fading away.

Day after Day.

Don't really know what else to say.

I guess it is just better that way.

To keep myself in dark.

Have that long walk in the park,

On the bus, looking at all the cars.

Wishing I had one so I can drive very far.

Until that time, I have to preserve.

Till the time is near.

The problem I face isn't fear.

Hate to lose things that I hold dear.

Yet it keeps on happening and I hold the responsibility.

Not being able to deal with that, losing my functionality

My brain holds all my memories, I kind of need those.

Not stay stuck or anything but to have hope.

To know that I am not alone.

To know that I have a home.

To know that I have friends.

To know that I am a good person and I do what I can.

So yeah, existing to me is very important to me.

Not here as option or courtesy because I want to be.

Granted I won't reach all of y'all with these random poems of mine.

Still have to find time, so that I can write out all these rhymes.

So, I can open up and pull myself out.

Do what you can and be sure to have no doubt.

Doubt can slow you down in long run.

Granted I did type that on purpose, all the damn puns.

 

All there is left is Memories....

 

 

 

 

 

 

You know it's been a while when all you have left is memories.

I have a lot of those and to me those mean everything.

Good and bad and everything in between.

If those never happened, I wouldn't know what half of things mean.

Without you people who came in to my life, I really don't know where I would be.

I really mean that.

Granted you may not be here now and that's just me speaking facts.

Nevertheless I appreciate the lesson that is life.

It is hard to deal with at times,but what is struggle without a little strife.

Memories don't leave me stuck in the past.

It's because of that I can understand things better and actually laugh.

Laugh at the things I thought were hard and that I wouldn't get through.

Laughing because people who didn't have any faith in you.

Yet despite those moments I am still here.

To accomplish things with willpower and to not give in to fear.

God is always giving me signs.

Letting me know when it is time.

Can't stay stuck just reminiscing about people who I used to have fun talking with.

Even if I feel stuck in this.

I can make even better memories with the people who remain.

Yeah, I know time has passed but i know I am not the same.

Sometimes I wish  I could  press reset and play through the memories again.

 Even though I do try, I'm not everyone's friend.

As I have gotten older, I have to come to understand that I do what I can.

Sadly... not everyone in my memories got me as person.

Not everyone will but understand but one thing is for certain.

 The story isn't over yet, so let
who we are and our memories go far.

Memories are a part of who we are.