Needed to write this.....

 

 

As per usual, I cannot sleep even though I have work tomorrow.  So I figure I just write whatever I choose to write. I'm on my third drink right now so yeah I hope I can get out whatever is choosing to stay embedded in my head.

33 years old and at this very moment. I want to give up more than anything. No no, it's not because of a female so those reading this get that out of your head right now. I have better things to do than simp cause there is more to life. 

This year has been kicking my ass and as we approach the fourth month. I am approaching things with all caution. Right now I don't feel like I have friends. Let me explain what I mean even if you didn't ask for it. I'm going whether you like it or not.

First of , I am sorry .

I don't feel at this time that I have friends or a close group I can relay information to. I feel like I have people who know of me, that at certain point time feel like that they can turn to me for advice for a variety of topics. I only know on how to help but not really do any thing more. I have given time and energy and very little money to those who have helped me overall. Regardless I wish I could have done more but life has its priorities and I am no different. Most likely I will post to this to Facebook for those who are curious to see what is going on with me and for those who like to fish there's that too. I am aware of your existence.

 As people who have said this to me, In the past I was guilty of blowing up on friends due to extreme circumstances. The fact is it was only the fact I blew up . That is what people paid attention to and not the cause. I don't act like that unless something provokes me to. I don't really need to play a victim. Granted I get hurt but I choose to  express myself productively if it means something positive can come from it.All the pieces matter and not what a person decides to leave out for their own gain. I'm no stranger to this but I do understand the importance of silence.

That being said, I am and will be sorry for ever putting someone in that situation. Even though what I went through to me gave me the reason to roam the realm as a ghost. I choose to leave that in God's hands and I made a promise to Chester to not even remotely attempt that.I have been told that I am overwhelming, that I bring the mood down, that I need help. Not from strangers either but from people I have put trust in. Let me clear that is why I choose to keep my distance. Sorry not being fan on being blunt but I am not like that in any unless I am provoked.( Yes I know I am repeating myself, good thing we are aware of that.)

I am no entertainer for drama. 

I know my worth friends. I know my worth to those who have dated me . To those who have children I wish nothing but the best for the next generation. To all my friends on Facebook. From me to you, You can do anything and regardless of status, sex, orientation, and etc. You are the future and You got this.

 

To my family,

I am sorry I am not the best at communicating at all. Granted social media is the worst place to post personal shit but hey it stay here forever won't it. I am sorry dad I fucked up in High school. I made you and myself look bad. I am sorry I didn't get to really know my cousins or my grandfather or my uncle. I am sorry that I didn't have that complete family. The one I dream of.  Granted Y'all didn't know that but hey I am saying it now ain't I?

I am sorry to my Mom and our family. I am sorry that no one for some dumb ass reason won't really reach my grandmother. She's by herself and I cannot always be all over the map. Even though I saw how she really is. How she misses the way thing used to be . When the family gave a fuck.

 Sorry. 

 Y'all need to give a fuck because life is short and bickering on the fact that there is nothing to do. I am younger than all of y'all and I found it at times to be quite peaceful. That's not an excuse. Yeah she will repeat herself. Will pray for you until she is blue in the damn face but come on  what the fuck y'all got me fucking crying knowing y'all living your best lives and won't even see her for a damn weekend.

Damn I finally got to say that .

I wrote a lot and still have more to write on.

I am in therapy because there is a lot here that I haven't said and when I feel ready to disclose said information,you'll know.  For Now. Don't ASK.

 So for those who don't know. I do encourage mental awareness and if it is that bad. SEEK HELP.

Not that Liquid or leaf therapy or hell even retail therapy. That shit is a waste of money. Believe me.

I would say have a social group but I need actual fucking people who are willing to set a side for a moment not forever to actual let me vent. Be neutral and let you know if I fucked up. That's a great thing to have. Right now, I don't have that. But what I do have is this. the ability to write and express.

I feel like I have been left alone for a reason and surprisingly I haven't really reached out because honestly I rather learn what I did wrong and communicate on my own terms than kiss someone's ass.You don't have to read or respond but it is still going to be posted OK. I'm glad you understand.

Yeah I can be a bit outspoken but normally I would be cut off and not allowed to say anything. Fuck that. If everyone can get their opinion out why can't I?