Living on Edge , Going Ghost for Real.

 

 

All this pain and at the end of the year too.

Yeah whats next to look forward to.

The way I am speaking right now is bad.

Yes Once again for those assholes in the back I am sad.

What I do is that I give too much of myself to others.

I do all of that and I cannot even see my brothers.

Girls feels all types of ways of about me.

Some of them are OK and others are just plain mean.

People who claim the truth and they speak it so freely.

Do you have any idea how much that means to me.

You can tell me about myself and what I don't do.

Now it doesn't matter anymore, Not them or to you.

I am making a choice on what to do next whether someone cares or not.

Taking all this unnecessary weight to the nearest drop.

This shit is killing my back.

Words chopping me down with an Axe.

Very selective and choosy, yeah those are the facts

Then you feel as if I am exactly where I need to be .

Alone with nobody,.

Then wonder why I can't enjoy the holidays.

Why I hate my birthday?

Why I can't go to anyone because of gaslighting or just being toxic?

 Pain in my heart like lighting just struck.

If you think  this just for attention then wake the fuck up.

I am no attention seeker trying to glorify the pain I didn't ask to go through.

Why would I think that is cool?

Before you think suicide. No I am not brave enough to end things.

So here is to Isolation, the next best thing.

Going Ghost is real concept and yeah I am writing it on here.

God give me the strength to be strong enough to handle my fear.

 It's not like how I go to them.

 To be honest I hate hearing this Cause it ain't no one else problem .

 

 

Been silent for a long time.

 

 

 

Going off on track,

Running on willpower and Doritos is my snack.

Tying to push through despite the attacks.

Verbal, mental, spiritual- all of that .

Sitting in a room with these thoughts on my mind.

Can't sleep so I am writing rhymes. 

Going forward so i don't get left behind.

Have to adapt to these crazy times.

 All I want is peace.

I want to able to claim my destiny.

What I want do is climb a tree.

What I want is some wings to eat.

 It Sounds like I am trippin.

Where the rum at so I can go slippin.

Going Ghost these days , that why I am missin,

No girl around me so I can't even kiss em

It be a nice change of pace.

Not coming in last place.

A Smile on my face.

Knowing that tomorrow will be great.

So here's to optimism , may it forever be unwavering,

So long pessimistic behavior , no longer catering.

 

 

To those I wish it were but never had the opportunity.

To the people I wish I could I talk to.  

It would been nice if I had a chance.

Then again you did and try your best to understand.

I am not like the usual people you meet.

Saying how are you to me is a simple greeting.

Granted a lot of us are thirsty but that's not me.

I just wanted to see where things could be.

Alas, life moves on.

I have too as well and be just as strong.

I will remember you all.

When I heard the word no, I stumbled but didn't fall.

Can't fall down every time I hear the word no.

Unlike asking, writing for me is the way to go.

We live our lives as best we can.

Surely as I am writing and you're reading this that you understand.

I am a man.

A man who writes.

A man who types in rhyme not to get your affections but to let some things off my chest.

I strive to do my best.

There are times, I wish I could rest.

I wish I could dream. 

I wish I could pass through the dimension of the in the between.

A Multi-verse.

A version of me who didn't suffer through all of the hurt.

Confident in ability and that had a family

Yes, that sounds lovely.

Don't you think?

Needed to write this.....

 

 

As per usual, I cannot sleep even though I have work tomorrow.  So I figure I just write whatever I choose to write. I'm on my third drink right now so yeah I hope I can get out whatever is choosing to stay embedded in my head.

33 years old and at this very moment. I want to give up more than anything. No no, it's not because of a female so those reading this get that out of your head right now. I have better things to do than simp cause there is more to life. 

This year has been kicking my ass and as we approach the fourth month. I am approaching things with all caution. Right now I don't feel like I have friends. Let me explain what I mean even if you didn't ask for it. I'm going whether you like it or not.

First of , I am sorry .

I don't feel at this time that I have friends or a close group I can relay information to. I feel like I have people who know of me, that at certain point time feel like that they can turn to me for advice for a variety of topics. I only know on how to help but not really do any thing more. I have given time and energy and very little money to those who have helped me overall. Regardless I wish I could have done more but life has its priorities and I am no different. Most likely I will post to this to Facebook for those who are curious to see what is going on with me and for those who like to fish there's that too. I am aware of your existence.

 As people who have said this to me, In the past I was guilty of blowing up on friends due to extreme circumstances. The fact is it was only the fact I blew up . That is what people paid attention to and not the cause. I don't act like that unless something provokes me to. I don't really need to play a victim. Granted I get hurt but I choose to  express myself productively if it means something positive can come from it.All the pieces matter and not what a person decides to leave out for their own gain. I'm no stranger to this but I do understand the importance of silence.

That being said, I am and will be sorry for ever putting someone in that situation. Even though what I went through to me gave me the reason to roam the realm as a ghost. I choose to leave that in God's hands and I made a promise to Chester to not even remotely attempt that.I have been told that I am overwhelming, that I bring the mood down, that I need help. Not from strangers either but from people I have put trust in. Let me clear that is why I choose to keep my distance. Sorry not being fan on being blunt but I am not like that in any unless I am provoked.( Yes I know I am repeating myself, good thing we are aware of that.)

I am no entertainer for drama. 

I know my worth friends. I know my worth to those who have dated me . To those who have children I wish nothing but the best for the next generation. To all my friends on Facebook. From me to you, You can do anything and regardless of status, sex, orientation, and etc. You are the future and You got this.

 

To my family,

I am sorry I am not the best at communicating at all. Granted social media is the worst place to post personal shit but hey it stay here forever won't it. I am sorry dad I fucked up in High school. I made you and myself look bad. I am sorry I didn't get to really know my cousins or my grandfather or my uncle. I am sorry that I didn't have that complete family. The one I dream of.  Granted Y'all didn't know that but hey I am saying it now ain't I?

I am sorry to my Mom and our family. I am sorry that no one for some dumb ass reason won't really reach my grandmother. She's by herself and I cannot always be all over the map. Even though I saw how she really is. How she misses the way thing used to be . When the family gave a fuck.

 Sorry. 

 Y'all need to give a fuck because life is short and bickering on the fact that there is nothing to do. I am younger than all of y'all and I found it at times to be quite peaceful. That's not an excuse. Yeah she will repeat herself. Will pray for you until she is blue in the damn face but come on  what the fuck y'all got me fucking crying knowing y'all living your best lives and won't even see her for a damn weekend.

Damn I finally got to say that .

I wrote a lot and still have more to write on.

I am in therapy because there is a lot here that I haven't said and when I feel ready to disclose said information,you'll know.  For Now. Don't ASK.

 So for those who don't know. I do encourage mental awareness and if it is that bad. SEEK HELP.

Not that Liquid or leaf therapy or hell even retail therapy. That shit is a waste of money. Believe me.

I would say have a social group but I need actual fucking people who are willing to set a side for a moment not forever to actual let me vent. Be neutral and let you know if I fucked up. That's a great thing to have. Right now, I don't have that. But what I do have is this. the ability to write and express.

I feel like I have been left alone for a reason and surprisingly I haven't really reached out because honestly I rather learn what I did wrong and communicate on my own terms than kiss someone's ass.You don't have to read or respond but it is still going to be posted OK. I'm glad you understand.

Yeah I can be a bit outspoken but normally I would be cut off and not allowed to say anything. Fuck that. If everyone can get their opinion out why can't I?

Stand up for what you need to do .

Starting today , I will not react if someone doesn’t like me.

No more yelling 

Just I can’t keep doing that to myself.

It hurts a lot to go through all that hell.

Especially those who know that you get mad quick.

Out there  with their guerrilla tactics.

I get mad and they play victim saying I  need to calm down .

Oh because there’s people around .

I’m not going to make another sound .

 Really , though there’s no reason for any of that.

Bet  you wouldn’t like it if I made you feel like crap.

Wish it were easy to not react.

I’m walking away from this situation.

All this damn stress , I need a vacation.

It’s late though I gotta head to bed.

Let me not have nightmares and have dreams instead.



Finding hope while being a Ghost

 

Sometimes I can be a ghost.

Sometimes I try to have hope.

Don’t really want to be down and mope.

That’s mindset is not for me . Sorry nope.

I’ve been keeping to myself for a good reason .

Starting this way with the spring season.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking of where to go from here.

Had a bit of a rough start this year.

Yet somehow,

I know I can figure this out .

Swarming through my head is opinions of doubt.

Seeing life in black and white.

I am doing what I think is right.

Even if people don’t agree.

That’s why speech is free.

I can say it and then move on.

Life can be trying.

That’s why I do my best to keep smiling.

Regardless of being left alone or behind.

I’m not like that at all, I rather be kind.

Kill it with kindness as they like to say .

Forgive those are wrong, taking the time out to pray .

The sun shines brightly so why shouldn’t I enjoy the day .

Just those questions I ask at times.

 

When a person decides to leave, does anyone really care?

When something doesn’t go your way, is life really fair? 

When someone decides to complain...

From their point of view to you, does it sound insane ? 

Who knows what someone is actually thinking?

I’m not a mind reader, yet the circle keeps on shrinking.

That is just how it is.

No one has the guidebook for dealing with this.

Yet somehow we keep going forward.

Toward better things.

That’s the hope at least.

Letting go all that negative energy.

So that finally ..

We can smile again someday.



Paddy’s Poem

This is a first for me , don’t judge.

Normally would have stayed in the room and not budge.

Today is Paddy day  so  it is time to head to  the bar.

Kinda wish they weren’t so damn far.

Starting off with an angry orchard , that cider goes hard. 

It brings me back to the day I had three.

It wasn’t that bad at all actually.

Spent times with the homies.

Laughing and singing 

Those were those days.

Maybe they can happen again, who can say.

As I sit as this bar and write.

This fried shrimp basket in front  is a lovely sight.

Can’t even lie, wasn’t planning to be here.

Just decided to and abandon that fear.

Going out by myself has always been a challenge.

Coming to and centering myself . Finding that balance.

Isn’t that what it is all about ?

Only way to know is to go out there and find out.

Just a Vibe-Flow

 

 

 

Never meant to be so draining.

Never meant to keep complaining.

All I want to do is vent.

All I want to be is content.

I have to be stronger than this.

Powering through all these hits

I have to do better with my depression.

Every failure is an even better lesson

I only got one life, gotta  keep it right.

Have to walk away from that and not fight.

 They're right though.

Those teachers who told me not give up hope.

All will be well.

I refuse to go through that hell.

Not when I have a rope to grab hold of.

Courtesy of the who watches from above.

Whatever this vibe is, it feels good.

 I can connect to everything and not be misunderstood.

Yeah, Yeah I would like to feel this all the time.

I'm at my best when I can write these rhymes.

Can I just Exist ? (Self- Recovery is Important too)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sitting in a room and thinking that it has come to this.

I just got one question though, can I just please take time to exist?

Feeling like I am just fading away.

Day after Day.

Don't really know what else to say.

I guess it is just better that way.

To keep myself in dark.

Have that long walk in the park,

On the bus, looking at all the cars.

Wishing I had one so I can drive very far.

Until that time, I have to preserve.

Till the time is near.

The problem I face isn't fear.

Hate to lose things that I hold dear.

Yet it keeps on happening and I hold the responsibility.

Not being able to deal with that, losing my functionality

My brain holds all my memories, I kind of need those.

Not stay stuck or anything but to have hope.

To know that I am not alone.

To know that I have a home.

To know that I have friends.

To know that I am a good person and I do what I can.

So yeah, existing to me is very important to me.

Not here as option or courtesy because I want to be.

Granted I won't reach all of y'all with these random poems of mine.

Still have to find time, so that I can write out all these rhymes.

So, I can open up and pull myself out.

Do what you can and be sure to have no doubt.

Doubt can slow you down in long run.

Granted I did type that on purpose, all the damn puns.

 

All there is left is Memories....

 

 

 

 

 

 

You know it's been a while when all you have left is memories.

I have a lot of those and to me those mean everything.

Good and bad and everything in between.

If those never happened, I wouldn't know what half of things mean.

Without you people who came in to my life, I really don't know where I would be.

I really mean that.

Granted you may not be here now and that's just me speaking facts.

Nevertheless I appreciate the lesson that is life.

It is hard to deal with at times,but what is struggle without a little strife.

Memories don't leave me stuck in the past.

It's because of that I can understand things better and actually laugh.

Laugh at the things I thought were hard and that I wouldn't get through.

Laughing because people who didn't have any faith in you.

Yet despite those moments I am still here.

To accomplish things with willpower and to not give in to fear.

God is always giving me signs.

Letting me know when it is time.

Can't stay stuck just reminiscing about people who I used to have fun talking with.

Even if I feel stuck in this.

I can make even better memories with the people who remain.

Yeah, I know time has passed but i know I am not the same.

Sometimes I wish  I could  press reset and play through the memories again.

 Even though I do try, I'm not everyone's friend.

As I have gotten older, I have to come to understand that I do what I can.

Sadly... not everyone in my memories got me as person.

Not everyone will but understand but one thing is for certain.

 The story isn't over yet, so let
who we are and our memories go far.

Memories are a part of who we are.

Feelings of wasting time.

 

 

Currently up feeling that I have been wasting time.

Can't sleep during the night, too much on my mind.

It would help if there was some support of any kind.

Feeling like I'm drowning, I could really use a rewind.

Rewinding my mind back to a good place.

When it's sunny outside there's a smile on my face.

Keeping hope alive even though I made mistakes.

Thanking God cause I am grateful every time that I wake.

Just need y'all to understand.

I am a simple man.

Everyday I do what I can.

Even though for me it is hard to stand.

Standing is hard especially when I keep falling in holes.

Each one is sad, lonely and cold.

I look for the way out and say I won't fold. 

Hard times requires faith the most.

For all that I have said tonight.

I can only hope that I make it right.

Won't give up on myself, I'll continue the fight.

Remember , even in darkness there is always some light.

 

 

 

Poem at 5 in Da morning.

When I am on Social media scrolling, I ask myself why?

Why do I bother scrolling down looking at other people's lives?

I need to focus on my own.

I need to put down my phone.

It is at times a necessary distraction.

However it is now time for action.

Prep and Plan for today.

Letting my thoughts flow, I'm writing down what to say.

Learning to become an optimistic individual

I'm trying not to be pessimistic as usual.

It is these little sparks of hope that tell me that it will be alright.

There is already enough conflict within me, let go of the that internal fight.

That is what I choose to tell myself as I approach something new.

A do it yourself project that gives me purpose in what I can do.

I have to do what is necessary.

Like learning to drive, the road makes itself known to me.

Familiar in its' design calling me to my destiny.

Taking care of myself physically and mentally.

 Respecting God, friends and my family.

The sand flows and at the bottom is the full amount.

There is still time and every second counts. 

Ain't no time to grumble about this or that.

Crap

Its 5 in the morning, I should just go to sleep.

Well at least I wrote this, so that is pretty neat.

Thank you for allowing me to Share.

Good morning and Take care.

 

 

For those who just up and leave.

As time goes by, I think of those who I no longer talk to.

Losing friends, to me that's anything but cool.

 The thought of me doing something bad to my friends purposely.

I am against that with every fiber of my being.

That being said, there are those who left without saying anything.

I don't know whether they are alive or dead, not knowing hurts me.

Why did we fall off? Was it something that I did?

I rack my brain trying to comprehend this.

Someone could say maybe it was them who wanted to go.

Understanding that we can be busy at times, but still overall that blows.

Whether the friend be male or female, still miss talking to them regardless.

The world keeps on spinning despite their absence.

However, I must understand despite it being very hard.

That through all the struggle, I have come very far.

There are times when I am doing something, and I think of them.

I quietly say, I wish you and I didn't have a problem.

I wish y'all could be here with me having a blast.

All I have left of those people are good memories from the past.

Yeah, I know, good things don't always last.

So, for those who are still here, just know that I am glad.

Glad that you are still here.

Glad that you haven't left even in the worst of times.

Not saying those who did leave didn't have their reasons.

I just wish I knew, so I could have closure for the seasons.

Respecting their choice as I know I will no longer hear their voice.

Wish I could talk to them but only time will tell.

I just pray and hope for you to be well.

Grateful for the moments we shared

Even though you are no longer here, just know that I actually cared.

Thank You

Peace

It's A Poem .

 Don't you just wonder, where do you go from here?

Well there is still time, its only the beginning of the year.

Circumstances are difficult and at times it just feels the worse.

The bible is calling , time to pick a verse.

Phillipians 4:13

I can do all things through christ which strengthen me.

 take that verse to heart.

The enemy is working on trying to make  you fall apart.

Telling you  that you aren't good enough.

That  you'll never make it  and you'll always be stuck.

Not me , not this guy.

Positive vibes.

Energy is way too high.  

In the end , we do what we can.

Not everyone will come to understand.

You are unique.

You are meant to be somebody.

Granted, it won't come right away.

There's bound to be good and bad days.

Just keep your faith strong.

Remember if something is said about you, it can be wrong.

It only has power if you let it.

Its not worth getting into a fit.

People just stew around in their own BullS**t.

Take heart of any small victories that may come.

Time is finite, it is one and done.

Mistakes can be made and learning from them is good.

Knowing at least that you did the best you could.

So each day is a chance to be better.

Even if the day comes with some ridiculous weather.

The storm is random but it never stays for long.

Predictions are something else at even at times, they can be wrong.

So go with the flow, let things happen naturally.

Clear your mind of doubt, for you have not seen true beauty.

This world we live in is the only one have.

it's really is bad to spend your time just being mad.

Being alive today is a reason to be glad.

Self care is life, Self care is important.

The ability to do great thing lies inside dormant.

How to start this great process, start with one brave step.

Out of the comfort zone, and eager to do your best.

Your dreams and passions are for you, they matter.

Pessimistic thoughts can cause dreams to shatter.

It's an uphill battle , just to say strong.

Used to listen to the people, found out they were wrong.

People can talk about things they know nothing about.

Make you feel like you're nuts every time you decide to shout.

You're not doing it on purpose, that what people don't see.

It's okay at times to feel angry.

Just don't let it cloud your judgment.

Attain that level of fulfillment.

At the end of the day, you're trying to do better.

Making that effort to get yourself together.

I am only here to tell you that you can do this.

Commit 

Don't Quit.

Enjoy yourself and Scooby Doo this S**t