It’s not an Obligation these days

Friendship isn’t an obligation these days .

People’s actions don’t match up with what they say .

How can you say you’re my friend and yet not be there.

It could apply to both people so that way it is fair .

Granted I know that people will just do what they want to.

Eh i owe it to myself to see it through.

Be there for those who want to be around.

People kinda of ignore when you down .

It’s like you can’t be in your feelings that way.

A person who is worthwhile will hear what you got to say .

At least I believe that for the most part . Most of these come from a good place in the heart.

Gotta take care of that and make sure it beats properly.

True friends take time while enemies come very easily .

Isn’t that something .

It used to bother me when people leave.

You know what’s funny about me .

How much I cared before about people leaving .

Leaving me behind or leaving me out .

Didn’t matter which, it always gave me uncertainty and doubt.

Now don’t get me wrong about this .

Back then I would get mad at this shit 

Being left out of this or that .

Staying at home getting an anxiety attack.

Feeling as if nobody wants me around .

No one to go to made me feel down.

Now it’s like, for what reason do I need to care?

I should be okay whether you here or there.

I’m not saying I don’t care about you .

You’re just doing your thing and that’s cool.

I gotta do me too.

Cause at the end of the day, I matter just much as the next person .

I can’t take it personally.

You allow what you bring in and I say stay the fuck away negativity.

Living on Edge , Going Ghost for Real.

 

 

All this pain and at the end of the year too.

Yeah whats next to look forward to.

The way I am speaking right now is bad.

Yes Once again for those assholes in the back I am sad.

What I do is that I give too much of myself to others.

I do all of that and I cannot even see my brothers.

Girls feels all types of ways of about me.

Some of them are OK and others are just plain mean.

People who claim the truth and they speak it so freely.

Do you have any idea how much that means to me.

You can tell me about myself and what I don't do.

Now it doesn't matter anymore, Not them or to you.

I am making a choice on what to do next whether someone cares or not.

Taking all this unnecessary weight to the nearest drop.

This shit is killing my back.

Words chopping me down with an Axe.

Very selective and choosy, yeah those are the facts

Then you feel as if I am exactly where I need to be .

Alone with nobody,.

Then wonder why I can't enjoy the holidays.

Why I hate my birthday?

Why I can't go to anyone because of gaslighting or just being toxic?

 Pain in my heart like lighting just struck.

If you think  this just for attention then wake the fuck up.

I am no attention seeker trying to glorify the pain I didn't ask to go through.

Why would I think that is cool?

Before you think suicide. No I am not brave enough to end things.

So here is to Isolation, the next best thing.

Going Ghost is real concept and yeah I am writing it on here.

God give me the strength to be strong enough to handle my fear.

 It's not like how I go to them.

 To be honest I hate hearing this Cause it ain't no one else problem .

 

 

Been silent for a long time.

 

 

 

Going off on track,

Running on willpower and Doritos is my snack.

Tying to push through despite the attacks.

Verbal, mental, spiritual- all of that .

Sitting in a room with these thoughts on my mind.

Can't sleep so I am writing rhymes. 

Going forward so i don't get left behind.

Have to adapt to these crazy times.

 All I want is peace.

I want to able to claim my destiny.

What I want do is climb a tree.

What I want is some wings to eat.

 It Sounds like I am trippin.

Where the rum at so I can go slippin.

Going Ghost these days , that why I am missin,

No girl around me so I can't even kiss em

It be a nice change of pace.

Not coming in last place.

A Smile on my face.

Knowing that tomorrow will be great.

So here's to optimism , may it forever be unwavering,

So long pessimistic behavior , no longer catering.

 

 

To those I wish it were but never had the opportunity.

To the people I wish I could I talk to.  

It would been nice if I had a chance.

Then again you did and try your best to understand.

I am not like the usual people you meet.

Saying how are you to me is a simple greeting.

Granted a lot of us are thirsty but that's not me.

I just wanted to see where things could be.

Alas, life moves on.

I have too as well and be just as strong.

I will remember you all.

When I heard the word no, I stumbled but didn't fall.

Can't fall down every time I hear the word no.

Unlike asking, writing for me is the way to go.

We live our lives as best we can.

Surely as I am writing and you're reading this that you understand.

I am a man.

A man who writes.

A man who types in rhyme not to get your affections but to let some things off my chest.

I strive to do my best.

There are times, I wish I could rest.

I wish I could dream. 

I wish I could pass through the dimension of the in the between.

A Multi-verse.

A version of me who didn't suffer through all of the hurt.

Confident in ability and that had a family

Yes, that sounds lovely.

Don't you think?

Needed to write this.....

 

 

As per usual, I cannot sleep even though I have work tomorrow.  So I figure I just write whatever I choose to write. I'm on my third drink right now so yeah I hope I can get out whatever is choosing to stay embedded in my head.

33 years old and at this very moment. I want to give up more than anything. No no, it's not because of a female so those reading this get that out of your head right now. I have better things to do than simp cause there is more to life. 

This year has been kicking my ass and as we approach the fourth month. I am approaching things with all caution. Right now I don't feel like I have friends. Let me explain what I mean even if you didn't ask for it. I'm going whether you like it or not.

First of , I am sorry .

I don't feel at this time that I have friends or a close group I can relay information to. I feel like I have people who know of me, that at certain point time feel like that they can turn to me for advice for a variety of topics. I only know on how to help but not really do any thing more. I have given time and energy and very little money to those who have helped me overall. Regardless I wish I could have done more but life has its priorities and I am no different. Most likely I will post to this to Facebook for those who are curious to see what is going on with me and for those who like to fish there's that too. I am aware of your existence.

 As people who have said this to me, In the past I was guilty of blowing up on friends due to extreme circumstances. The fact is it was only the fact I blew up . That is what people paid attention to and not the cause. I don't act like that unless something provokes me to. I don't really need to play a victim. Granted I get hurt but I choose to  express myself productively if it means something positive can come from it.All the pieces matter and not what a person decides to leave out for their own gain. I'm no stranger to this but I do understand the importance of silence.

That being said, I am and will be sorry for ever putting someone in that situation. Even though what I went through to me gave me the reason to roam the realm as a ghost. I choose to leave that in God's hands and I made a promise to Chester to not even remotely attempt that.I have been told that I am overwhelming, that I bring the mood down, that I need help. Not from strangers either but from people I have put trust in. Let me clear that is why I choose to keep my distance. Sorry not being fan on being blunt but I am not like that in any unless I am provoked.( Yes I know I am repeating myself, good thing we are aware of that.)

I am no entertainer for drama. 

I know my worth friends. I know my worth to those who have dated me . To those who have children I wish nothing but the best for the next generation. To all my friends on Facebook. From me to you, You can do anything and regardless of status, sex, orientation, and etc. You are the future and You got this.

 

To my family,

I am sorry I am not the best at communicating at all. Granted social media is the worst place to post personal shit but hey it stay here forever won't it. I am sorry dad I fucked up in High school. I made you and myself look bad. I am sorry I didn't get to really know my cousins or my grandfather or my uncle. I am sorry that I didn't have that complete family. The one I dream of.  Granted Y'all didn't know that but hey I am saying it now ain't I?

I am sorry to my Mom and our family. I am sorry that no one for some dumb ass reason won't really reach my grandmother. She's by herself and I cannot always be all over the map. Even though I saw how she really is. How she misses the way thing used to be . When the family gave a fuck.

 Sorry. 

 Y'all need to give a fuck because life is short and bickering on the fact that there is nothing to do. I am younger than all of y'all and I found it at times to be quite peaceful. That's not an excuse. Yeah she will repeat herself. Will pray for you until she is blue in the damn face but come on  what the fuck y'all got me fucking crying knowing y'all living your best lives and won't even see her for a damn weekend.

Damn I finally got to say that .

I wrote a lot and still have more to write on.

I am in therapy because there is a lot here that I haven't said and when I feel ready to disclose said information,you'll know.  For Now. Don't ASK.

 So for those who don't know. I do encourage mental awareness and if it is that bad. SEEK HELP.

Not that Liquid or leaf therapy or hell even retail therapy. That shit is a waste of money. Believe me.

I would say have a social group but I need actual fucking people who are willing to set a side for a moment not forever to actual let me vent. Be neutral and let you know if I fucked up. That's a great thing to have. Right now, I don't have that. But what I do have is this. the ability to write and express.

I feel like I have been left alone for a reason and surprisingly I haven't really reached out because honestly I rather learn what I did wrong and communicate on my own terms than kiss someone's ass.You don't have to read or respond but it is still going to be posted OK. I'm glad you understand.

Yeah I can be a bit outspoken but normally I would be cut off and not allowed to say anything. Fuck that. If everyone can get their opinion out why can't I?

Stand up for what you need to do .

Starting today , I will not react if someone doesn’t like me.

No more yelling 

Just I can’t keep doing that to myself.

It hurts a lot to go through all that hell.

Especially those who know that you get mad quick.

Out there  with their guerrilla tactics.

I get mad and they play victim saying I  need to calm down .

Oh because there’s people around .

I’m not going to make another sound .

 Really , though there’s no reason for any of that.

Bet  you wouldn’t like it if I made you feel like crap.

Wish it were easy to not react.

I’m walking away from this situation.

All this damn stress , I need a vacation.

It’s late though I gotta head to bed.

Let me not have nightmares and have dreams instead.