Hope burns Brights...

Out of the darkness and into the light.
It never was an easy fight.
Fake smiling during the day then suffering at night.
At least I can say hope does burn bright.

It’s been too long .I’ve come so far.
Life to me has really been so hard.
Would it really kill me to take a break and have fun?
I know that I am not the only one.

Theses days though have to be very careful.
These days though  I am very grateful.
For who knows what will happen next.
God dwells in me and brings out the very best.

The things that most people don’t see.
The things I try to get people to believe.
Now though ,I see that’s isn’t what I should do.
I have to love myself before I can love you .

Accepting myself for who I am.
Don’t think I can?
I laugh at the fact that you think so.
If you ain’t supporting me then you can go.

Positive vibes is what I need the most.
Keeping me alive instead of going ghost.
Yoosssh!(Alright)
Genki desu ka?(How are you?)
Ore no Jynex Sol Da! (I am Jynex Sol)
Wakaru ka?(understand ?)

Remembering what I was taught.

After all this time and many thoughts.
Remembering well what I was taught.

To not let my anger lead me.
To let things flow naturally.
That is way that I follow recently.
This world can be unforgiving.

It can be a friend to you when you need it the most.
It also can turn its back on you and pretend you’re a ghost.
People who claim they can’t hear you ask you to repeat what you say .
Really?
I’ve been repeating myself day after day .

After all that, there is nothing.
Well not nothing . Maybe a little something.
A little glimmer of hope to keep myself going.
Expressing myself like this requires an honest showing.

I don’t want to ever be to fool again.
I don’t want ever feel less than as a man.
I would like for someone to understand.
That I am here doing what I can .

If it’s not enough for you then leave.
Don’t lead me on like you are caring.
I fell for that before.
Not happening anymore.
I wish to move past this summer slump.
I wish people would stop trying to think that I am dumb.

I have a brain to figure things out.
God above me with all the clout.
My poetry that keeps from the doubt.
Even though I’m still quiet as a mouse.

I choose my words wisely.
Appreciate if I’m thought of highly.
Falling down a couple steps, I continue on climbing.
Could have gave up anytime and yet I’m here smiling.

Been a week. I’m rusty

It’s been a while since I wrote something down.
Don’t worry y’all . It’s not as bad as it sounds.
I’m okay but I’m just a little sick at the moment.
Yes I was missing some key components.
Rest, sleep, and being hydrated.
I actually prefer that over being agitated.
To seek that , there is no beneficial gain at all.
In order for me to learn that , I had to fall.
Fall I did
My thoughts were stupid.
Thinking about things I had no control over.
Constantly looking over my shoulder.
For threats that don’t really exist.
Trigger memories of people that I miss.
Yet here I am now learning that I have a lot to learn.
Respect from others is no easily given but earned.
People out there making their mark, but now it’s my turn.
Time to turn my life in a positive direction.
Keep those positive vibes in a collection.
A collection of memories
A collection of those things in between.
A collection of dreams.

It’s a long Poem

Lately I’ve found myself writing less and less.
Since I’m almost on empty let me write about what’s left.
Since I’ve started It’s helped me to express myself.
It was a form of self-help.
It helped when there wasn’t anything else.
I don’t want to quit but I’m tired of writing about the pain.
Complaining about the same.
Being stuck in this loop is insane.
Feels like loop de loop from the sonic games.
To be able to let it go.
That would help the most .
So that I don’t go ghost .
So that also I don’t lose hope.
Each time that I do. It comes right back.
Being in this room , I get a number of attacks.
That’s why it’s so difficult to stay on track.
Memories always show me feeling crap.
Not all memories show me something bad.
Not all the time am I sad.
I’m just stuck on the in between.
Between the pitfalls and the grassy green.
Now I’m running on fumes.
Waking up off from work ,what do I do?
My wrist still hurts and so does my legs.
Waking up thanking God I’m not dead.
I just don’t know what to do after I have a meltdown.
Just sit in my room and not make a sound.
Can i live like that ? No that’s won’t get me anywhere.
Anyway I’m almost there.
To the end of the poem here.
This has been one crappy ass year.
It’s only June and next comes July.
Will I still be the same guy?
Why I continue to wonder why?
Oh boy,I’m on empty now.
It’s a shame I was going strong and now I’m down and out.

Can’t Handle it...having a moment😣

I can’t handle it when someone leaves me.
It’s the worst kind of pain and it is still hurting.
I bet they knew that when the decision was made.
Ours lives continue on anyway.
Except I don’t know how to get past this.
It’s so stupid.
It’s why I continue to ask, why do I exist?
Then someone says gives their opinion.
Why are you  so dramatic? Are you doing this for attention?
No but I wish that they could understand that.
It so hard dealing with these facts.
I’m not toxic. it’s just my voice never really gets heard.
Struggling to find the words.
People who I care for leaving, think that I wanted that?
I am still by the way feeling a lot like crap.
Now though, I don’t know if anyone could help.
The dumbass opinions don’t but what’s left?
Jisatsu ka? (Suicide?)
Kore de owari da! (This is the end!)
No,I can’t think that way. No way at all.
If I were to end things , it be a long fall.
First comes darkness then a lake of fire.
That’s my fate if I don’t aim a little higher.
I do apologize in advance if this is dark in the dumps.
Still going through a slump.
I believe people are keeping their distance for a reason.
I don’t mean to darken the season.
I don’t mean to give off this negative energy.
I just write things down base off what I see.
A toxic man and his sad writings.
The worse thing a person could do.
Leave that person alone and make them feel that everyday too.

A Poet’s Reflection

Has something ever made you mad?
Did someone say or do anything that made you sad?
Would you like to turn it around and then brag?
At least take this time to reflect and be glad.

I’m looking at myself and myself looks back.
It smiles at  me while Im the one who has the anxiety attack.
How could I be more like that?
Confident in my ability to know facts.

At least the facts that I know.
The poems can clearly show.
People think I’m a rapper on the low.
Haha... if you say so.

If I could spit bars.
Would it really be  that hard?
Could I even go the far?
Spitting fire so hot it’s illuminates the dark.

Rapping to a beat.
Lines that make you feel the heat
Overcoming my limits is no easy feat.
Taking my time with this, making sure it’s neat.

It’s best to be cautious when you don’t know what to do next.
Clear you mind and focus on what’s left.
Bad things gone Check.
Good vibes are the only forms of payment I can accept.
Accept what is and leave behind all the rest.

Spazzing out

Yo man , I can’t take this shit.
People telling me, yo I’m toxic.
Toxic isn’t where my mind needs to be.
Peace of mind for me is a necessity.

I’m breaking down.
No one around .
Can’t make a sound.
Ain’t no smiles,  only frowns.

You want me to be okay .
Then watch what you say .
I’m writing rhymes in the bed I lay.
Don’t like who am ,have a nice day.

Sick of this.
Nothin but bullshit
People clownin make me feel like I ain’t accomplished.
You win, I’m done , this is fuckin finished.

No it ain’t , there’s always more.
So much more talent in store.
I’m not negative person and that for sure.
I just wonder if y’all even want me here anymore.

When you are a friend to me.
There’s trust and loyalty.
words people say,y’all can sound real mean.
I’m asking to stop looking at me like that, please.

I’m not bad , I’m not toxic. My only problem is communication.
Yea I would feel better if i took a vacation.
As this comes to a close, take a step back.
Read the lines and recognize true facts.
I’m done with these nightmares and anxiety attacks.
Until the next one, that’s a wrap.

Why couldn’t I see it ?

Why didn’t I see it?
Why did it all come down to this.?
I felt this way for about a while.
I’ll be honest ,I was in denial.

I didn’t want to listen to my friends.
I didn’t really want to understand.
After the fact I feel like a broken man.
Here am I still doing what I can.

Trying to sleep but all I get nightmares.
All I want to do is picture you there.
You without all the darkness in your soul.
Who knows? That relationship could have been whole.

Why at night do I find the time to write these lines and pretend I’m fine?
I’m pretty sure anyone could see through my lie.
Lying to get through these hard days
That ain’t right but here what I’ll say.

I will do better to make the lie into the truth.
I want to do better for myself, is that cool?
I may not always be happy but that counts even you.
I don’t ever again want to be that fool.
Ever again....

Hope that you know that I am trying.

I didn’t know I was a bad guy.
Everyone looks at me sideways, I wonder why?
I wonder if someone had told them that I was?
Buzz.
There goes the phone buzzing with a notification.
Only yahoo mail asking me if I want to go on vacation?

Now on to the real stuff.
Hope it make sense to you, bub.

I was IG talking about love.
Love for someone other than myself
How I would I know about that when I don’t have anyone else?
Experience, my friend.
It’s the only way to understand.
Communicating through poetry.
Rhyming lines of destiny.

All I just want to see my heart hold onto you just this once.
It’s not a front.
It’s the real deal.
Like a full course meal.
You get support, love and faith too.
Without those, the bridge crumbles beneath you.

Everyone deserves a chance for redemption.
Damn the temptation.
It’s about showing that person’s worth.
Show them what you’re worth as you walk through the dirt.

Allowing yourself to feel confident in your ability to do so.
Only then will you know.
Where you stand overall.
Am I going to keep walking or am I going to fall?
I hope you know the answer to that.
Giving up is wack.
Got to keep going for myself.
So that one day I can be there for someone else.

Fri Poem.

It’s a Friday night and not much is happening in my mind.
Maybe that’s good thing this time.
I’m not really use to it being like this.
What to do now? I don’t know to be honest.
Not much is there for me to say.
To the folks out there, take care and enjoy the day.

As for me right now, I’m just staying in bed.
Typing out this nice poem of the top of my head.

As for everyone else, I wonder how they are doing?
Hopefully something exciting.
I would love to do something actually.
Better safe than sorry.
I guess it’s better to be home.
Not really. I don’t want to be home alone.

In my room and the emotional output I put out.
It’s overloading from my anxiety and my doubts.
Here’s to me being optimistic.
It is a lot better than being distant.
Alas, my depression is persistent.
It’s trying to ruin my moment.

Let me just have this moment to be calm and to be at peace.
I can say nothing really bad happened this week.
Isn’t that neat?
Boy, I am beat.
Drifting off to dreamland as I sleep.
✌🏾

At night....

There are some nights and then there are lonely nights.
Don’t want to go to sleep  and then wake up with a fright.
Nighttime is not very a good time for me.
At these late times, I wish there were somebody.
Somebody. Anybody.
Sometimes I wish I could reach  to my uncle sonny.
Pretend I’m in the van ready to set out on a great journey.
I miss him and our road trips.
Thinking about who else I miss.
Miss hanging out with the homies.
Playing cards games in Burger King.
Good times.
Right now though I wish it were fine.
The thing I miss the most is not being a ghost.
 It is that person who inspires me to have hope.
I do try but at night it’s so hard.
Especially when everyone is so far.
listening to that the underwater theme.
Praying to God and ask to keep me safe while I sleep.
Let me have a nice dream...
Please.

Why do you (I)drink?

Hey man, why do you drink?
When I pick up that can, boy do I sink.
Sink real low under the pillows and the cover.
Sometime I drink to forget the others.

The others that came before.
Sometimes it requires a can or more.
I don’t like thinking about how they left.
The loss to me felt like death.

Yet death is inevitable and here I am alive.
Let not me not drink so much that I die.
Two months ago, it was not easy.
Yet I thought if I drank, i would be free.
Please.
All it did come with a bad headache.
I would brush it off and welcome the next ache.

I really didn’t care about much at that time.
No one called or talked to me enough, so I said fine.
I’m going drink because I’m pirate like Mr. Sparrow.
Why is the rum gone? Now I have to deal with the sorrows.

I tell myself it’s okay.
It will get better one day.
Listening to what the positive words say.
Nay

I get so impatient with life.
Hence all of the strife
Feening for a wife.
Cutting out the pain with the sharp knife.

Your head is your safe space.
Don’t take it to a dangerous place.
Believe in God if I lose faith.
Let a smile appear on my face.

For the next I drink, it should be with friends.
Celebrating new beginnings and not the end.

Change of thought

Ever wake up and wanted to see someone you wanted to see?
I think everyone would like that, including me.
These days of covid, there is a lot of negativity.
Here I am writing down ,my tidbits of destiny.

longing to see a smile when the sun comes up.
Cooking breakfast and drinking tea in a cup.
If I cook without burning anything, that would be some luck.
Always better to be calmer than to just erupt.

For something doesn’t just come to you because you wish it.
Just like food in the kitchen.
You have to prepare and eat it when it is finished.
When you accomplish anything in this life, know where to give credit.

We are not meant to do this all alone.
Having someone there, my caring nature is shown.
For those who hear my name, I am somewhat known .
A kind hearted person who wishes to have good times until it’s gone.

Nevertheless, it does pain me to know loneliness.
I also know fear, doubt, and sadness.
I really should change that to happiness.
I’m learning joy, understanding and patience.

With patience though ,will someone come my way?
If so , I shall wait patiently till that day.
When it happens, I don’t know what I’ll say .
Until then This man with a big grin will enjoy Today.

Validation.

Validation, why do I go to people for it?
I guess I would like to feel important.
Lately though, I don’t feel that way at all.
Feeling the shame as I begin to fall.
Oww, I say as I hit the wall.

Validation should come from within.
Where should I begin?
What are some things about me?
That at times I can be funny.
Another thing would be that I enjoy writing.

I do care what people say.
I shouldn’t internalize it so much it ruins the day.
It is their opinion and they can say what they want to.
Well I know what I write isn’t always going to click with you.

Maybe you’ll get it or maybe it will go over your head.
Maybe I shouldn’t seek your validation instead.
There is plenty of things that a person can like about me.
There is a line between accepting and being picky.