What am I suppose to do ?

My eyelids , they aren’t blinking
At night , just straight up overthinking.
Overthinking how people see me.
Overthinking on how I can predict the ending.
Me alone with with no one.
Gotta stop sounding so dumb.
It won’t always be the case.
I have to go at my own pace.
Life isn’t a race.
Well at least to me it is not.
I could move so fast and not even stop.
That’s why rushing is bad.
Crash and burn ? Been there done that and it’s really sad.
I’ve gotten hurt from not thinking all the way through.
After all I did lose a lot and that’s not cool.
After all that , what  am I suppose to do?




My mind on depression...

It can’t be this hard to talk to someone.
Not everyone in the world , at least just one.
It’s too hard for me , I gotta runaway.
Then I’m thinking I don’t know when’s my last day .
To be thinking of good times that came before.
To be thinking about the present a little bit more.
Still doesn’t change the facts.
Facts I’m still having these attacks.
I can’t sleep because I wish I had someone to talk to.
It’s at times like these where I wish it could be you .
Like old days where I would kinda tell stories.
Now they are none, and it’s just hurting.
I’m still trying to be a selfless and caring individual.
Not really trying to compromise my morals.
If I keep on relapsing, then I will never learn.
If I choose not to care then let my world burn.
Let the captain go down with ship.
Jeez,enough with this.
That’s my mind on depression.

A case of writers block....Sike

Writers block
Let me not.
Write something from the school hard knocks
Ain’t It all a shock.
Here I am again just writing
How exciting.
I think I’m becoming numb.
Feeling so dumb.
Thinking that it is my fault.
Now I hide away my feelings In a vault.
Due to me making a mistake.
When don’t I take the cake?
Going in circles round and round.
Got that look on my face that says always down.
Not down for whatever, that be too good for me.
If I were considered , maybe.
For now though I’m dangling through these ropes.
Entangled between sorrow and hope.
I try to see the light but darkness is like nope.
Eh can’t just sit around a mope.
I have a job to do.
I may not see anyone for days months or even years.
that’s one of my biggest fears.
Grandma praying for someone to love me.
I hope so grandma, out here it’s pretty lonely.
I see that.
That’s a fact.
Wonder if anyone else does too?
What did I mean to you?

Let me be at Peace.

Let me be at peace with myself.
Let me not have to prove anything to anyone else.
I don’t seek from validation just so I can sound good.
I just wanted to know where I stood.
Among everyone including my friends.
I hope that it’s not me that brings it all to an end.
I know that sounds dark but I have had bad experiences.
From that  I have learned the meaning of patience.
Things just don’t happen right away.
Have take it day by day.
In order for me to see what is right in front of me.
Accomplishing all that I can be.
Seeing it as a goal.
Walking across that deep hole.
To the other side
Where my destiny lies.
The thing I want most in life.
Remember it’s all about positive vibes.

Had to say what I wanted say😐

Do you ever feeling like nothing you say matters ?
No one there to the rescue when the heart just shatters.
All those close people who leave at that moment.
Every now and again here comes a judgmental comment.
It makes you feel like as if your existence is pointless.
Even though make an effort to be selfless.
I know that I am good and caring.
I love what I do and what the next day will bring.
What I hate when I get left behind.
Why is it me , when I’ve been kind.
I don’t understand .
I’m not an ordinary man.
I don’t have ego or try to say I am better than rest.
I can’t even leave the house without a pain in my chest.
I don’t get why no one sees me.
Whenever I am crying.
On the nights when I feel like I’m dying.
No one is there.
I get judged for my drinking, I know it’s not a solution.
What can I do then?
Im not holding any grudges against those who hurt me.
I’m no longer in your life and your happy.
Happy with those you love.
At least god is watching me from above.
I’m grateful for that.
Especially when it’s bad.
I’m not going to give up
Even if Im left behind . Even if I get forgotten about. Even if someone decides to ask me just for help. Even if someone ask for me by mistake.
All these things are in my cup.
It really does suck.
I don’t think y’all see that at all.
You take my words as depressing and let me fall.
Help me...
It’s so lonely...
Would that be so bad or would you find it draining , overwhelming, or even suffocating?
Sad that people think that way .
I don’t wake up hoping for a bad day.
I just don’t want to be a bother after all I’ve done for people . That’s what i say.
I got a therapist so I’m not trying to make y’all that .
Tired of my chest hurting from these attacks.
I don’t want to die so then you can say you care.
How’s that fair?

Entanglement DEEZ Nuts

There is new word going around called entanglement.
Apparently that's a thing instead of commitment.
When things goes wrong and no one sees a way out.
They look at the person across the room and begins to doubt.
I am hurting right now, can't you see?
You're hurting ? Yes but ,what does that have to do with me?
Relating to the fact that I have been at the end of that table.
I guess I'm learning what the moral is just like in Aesop's fables.
It sucks that one person loves so hard while the other does not.
When sitting down receiving the bad news and that sudden shock.
The other person face always seems to be cool.
Shit if that we were me, I never do that shit to you.
Why bother being around at all?
Why let me take that fall?
Aren't we suppose to be there through thick and thin?
Was you just waiting for your opportunity to win.
I just don't get Entanglement.
Shit is straight whack at the moment.
One bad day can make a good man crack.
Then they want to say why you always got to snap.
"It's your tone of voice," as if being calm would change their mind.
Treating me less while for someone else you act kind.
Yeah I've been there and believe me that is some sad shit.
When I think about it make my head itch.
Not all of us guys is out here looking for the next one.
Broke us so bad, got me saying I'm done.
You hear a voice saying don't give up.
I don't want to but entanglement got me fucked up.
You only can love a person the best way you know how
Don't let the problem fester, handle it now.
If you can't see it, but you have a funny feeling in chest.
Best believe that person trying to find out who's next.
I got no love for people who do people filthy like that.
Can't even go into another relationship because anxiety attacks.
Oh it's paranoia you think so ? No it's not its facts.

If you love someone like actually you wouldn't do that to them.
Otherwise what's the point if you make decisions to harm your relationship with that person.
You clearly are trying to fill a void where love should be.
Yeah you can get fed up with the person but it goes both ways and if you choose to do the easy thing instead of the right thing well nothing else can be said.

Really hate losing....😔

One thing about me is that I  always end up losing someone.
I really don’t like losing anyone.
To me I feel like I am the one who’s dumb.
Trying to be there for someone just for them leave.
If that’s so, did I mean much to you as you did me.
Sometimes it can’t be help when it’s the end.
Thought we could remain friends.
I thought I could understand.
I thought i could do the best I can.
Yet, I can’t get mad if you decide to do so.
After all you decided next where you wanted to go.
What I wanted was to be there right with you.
To look in to the future and see what you do.
I’m not mad at you , more like sad.
Whether it was a friendship or relationship, I just wish it had last.
Alas
Life is funny like that.
That’s a fact.

Going Ghost is not On Purpose...

You know what really sucks the most?
Whenever I feel like I need to go ghost.
Ghosting is apart of my personality.
Not really done intentionally.
I feel as if I did something wrong.
That's why go ghost just so I can stay gone.
You may not agree.
You can even think its petty.
Nothing is petty about what I say or do.
Judging me huh? How about I judge you.
Tell you what you can go through.
Saying what you post is for attention.
Not to mention.....
Giving you absolutely no choice.
Hell you cannot even use your voice.
That's how it feels to judge anyone.
Like telling a person to dance as you shoot off a gun.
I don't have to take this at all.
For now I may take the fall.
I won't stay down there.
I need to go up and breathe the air.
Going through life, even though is hard.
Ghosting wont take me very far.
Standing invisibly as people accomplish their goals.
Let me learn this lesson for I am Jynex Sol.
Let me stroll into that good life.
Everything will be alright.
After all I am this Guy writing this poem here.
Just making sure my message is clear.

Woke up with fright.😬

Can’t sleep because I’m crying.
My chest hurts , it feels like I am dying.
Sometime I yell “why me?!
Oh my god, why is this happening .
My defenses have fallen .
I know that I can’t keep stalling.
I have to get through this.
Even though it’s some old shit.
I’ve done bad things but I’m not a bad guy.
Each day , I’m working and writing. I do try.
Making an effort to see the good within me.
Saying it’s not the end, the future is my destiny.
Deserving to live among friends.
Friends who grown to understand.
That you have your moments.
Get triggered by uneasy comments.
You know who you are.
You won’t get far.
You reap what you sow.
I’m not threatening anyone, just saying what I know.
You know how it goes.
I am me and I know what I am capable of.
I know that I am caring and so is the lord above .

Kinda wrote A love poem😏

Let me love again.....
Let my heart begin to understand.
That’s nothing is impossible.
Let my cause be probable.
For it is you that I seek.
For you I can wait patiently
Allow us to feel that feeling consistently.
Let us get away from all that negativity.
When I lay down at night I think of you.
Looking at your eyes just to see what you do.
Are you thinking about me as well?
If so , I can tell .
That smile you that kinda show.
When I’m thinking of something, how you always know.
It’s crazy right.
For me to care so much during the night.
For when the sun rises, I hope you’ll be there.
Hold me close with tender love and care.
If you can do that for me, I will never leave you behind.
After all , you occupy my mind.
Have me frozen in a moment in time.
Never have me out here wondering why?
Even if I die.... I would wait for you so that we can go to heaven together.
That’s what love is, when you mean so much to each other .

Adventurer’s Spark

Laying up in my bed.
All these thoughts in my head.
Wish I could rest instead.
A lot on my mind that I wish I had said.
Everyday I would like to feel confident.
Everyday I would like to live in the moment.
I know that I am trying to see the good in me.
Exploring my destiny.
To see where the wind does take me.
I really like adventuring.
I like to share that experience with someone.
Wouldn’t that be fun?
To take the time out to explore.
Pack up a few things and walk out the door.
Escaping from technology and social media.
No Wikipedia.
Just plain open air.
Without any kind of care.
That’s one thing I would like to be there.
Also someone special would be fair.
I don’t want go adventuring alone ,
I don’t want my faith to be gone.
let me finish this poem.
So that In the end I can return home.

I kinda wish......

Looking back on the memories.

All of them , good or bad mean a lot to me.

Every now and again I see something I regret the most.

Regretting so much I end up becoming a ghost.

So for now

Let me write down.

These expressional sounds.

I kinda wish I knew what I wanted to do.

I kinda wish I had a clue.

I kinda wish I knew which direction.

i kinda wish I knew that guy In my reflection.

I kinda wish I could not lose anyone.

I kinda wish I was Luffy with the powers of Gum-Gum.

I kinda wish I could talk and make sense.

I kinda I wish I knew of my importance.

I kinda wish people didn’t think I’m always depressing.

I kinda wish that people didn’t  have to hear me complaining.

I kinda wish that I didn’t have to say I kinda wish.

I kinda wish I didn’t have to flip.

I kinda wish I wasn’t thinking like this. 

I kinda wish I can enjoy my birthday.

I kinda wish it will be a good day.

Being Grateful for Today.

I woke up this morning from my bed thanking God.
I know it’s sounds familiar, ain’t it odd?
Looking out my window seeing the clear sky.
Just grateful to be breathing and not asking why.
As it stands today is a new day.
Lord , let me take this time to say....
thank you for the roof over my head.
Making sure I get home safe and not end up dead.
Thank you for the food that you provide.
Allowing me to still be alive.
Even though at times, I can be handful.
Anxiety in society. Overall it’s harmful.
Even when it’s too much there you are showing me I can get through it.
I’m not complete clueless.
I have my moments and you bring me back from the brink.
Like being stuck in the desert, you bring me water to drink.
It’s important to remember that even though I am grown.
I am not alone .

I don’t know what to do for my birthday ?😐

My birthday is coming up next week.
I haven’t really thought about it honestly.
I don’t have an idea on what to do to.
Absolutely no clue.
This pandemic  kinda prevents me from going all out.
Can’t really give Covid the benefit of
the doubt.
As much as I would like to be a pirate and get plenty of booty.
Come on man, you know that was funny.
I’m no jack sparrow ,but I would like some pleasant company.
Maybe get a new game or go to some new places.
How about seeing some new faces?
Being alone does suck but I can dream right?
I hope the sun is out there being bright.
I don’t like when the weather is storming.
It’s pretty scary.
Yes it can be .
Yet an adventure calls to me .
It’s life
There are some bad times.
Let’s do some good.
As we all should understand, we do what we can .
After  all ,I’m getting older man.
Jynex sol, watashi no stand
Lol ,a jojo reference in my poem jeez I’m lame .
Just kidding ,time for me do my thing.

Families Oh Boy.....

Families have their ups and downs.
My family is all around .
At times they can be optimistic.
Others times they can be unsympathetic.
Can I look at them sideways and be like why do you treat me this way?
Why is it me that ruins your day?
I didn’t know I could be born or ask you to do so.
I’m here now ,let’s work on our relationship and go.
Go forward with good memories at least.
I do enjoy peace.
No internal conflicts or jealousy.
Getting too old to be hating .
All I really want to is not be left out of the loop.
Tell me I’m lying if that was you in my shoes.
Who wants to be left behind?
Not me , I belong in the present time.
Knowing that what I do is important.
Knowing what to do in that very moment.
Acknowledging that without God or my family I would not be here.
Earning experience and celebrating birthdays through out the years.
I know no family is perfect and can be pretty sad.
I hear stories about families that are really sad.
Not being noticed or made fun of because of having a disability.
How can you do that ,oh wait that’s just your insecurity.
Your inability.
A real liability.
That family member didn’t ask for that diagnosis.
It’s real shame that they have to go through this.
Be nice of you to swallow your pride and help.
Will the others be against it if you decide to feel what that person felt?
Be considerate to your family whether they are blood or not.
After all you’re all they got.

Something I felt like writing

Seven days
Seven days till my birthday.
I don’t really know what to say.
Lord let me just have a good day.

Last year around this time my uncle sonny passed.
Yes I was very Sad.
So sad I tried to keep myself altogether.
I kept taking it out on myself and another.

They could not see the pain I felt.
I had to play the hand I was dealt.
I had to keep going no matter what.
When you decide to change there is no time for the word but.

It clicks inside you like a switch.
Telling you to walk away from that ditch.
When shot are fired , they all just miss.
Yeah miss me with that bullshit.

Tired of the games, lies and reverse psychology.
There would be no need for that if people actually cared about me.

What did I do to you that was so bad?
Sure there are days when I am sad.
Can’t always solve everything, that’s a fact.
If You have anxiety then I have anxiety attacks.

When things get bad people up and leave.
No word or concern they just do me real dirty.
Either I’m draining or I’m suffocating.
Acting like the angel I know you’re not.
Made me think Im the opp.
If other people can see  me do good , why can’t you?
Yeah back then I didn’t know what to do.
I know what it means to lose.
I have lost before.
Yet here I’m at the store.
Realizing I know why I am here.
I didn’t give up or give In to fear.

Happy Birthday Uncle Sonny

Remembering back to year 2005.
I was this awkward 11th grade guy.
During the summer, I would visit my grandmother.
Boy, Alabama was so much hotter.
It was always an adventure to me.
Always being close to my family.
Especially to my uncle Sonny.
Uncle Sonny to me was inspiring.
He would always be out there across states driving.
He’d have a cap that you would find in a gas station
He would always get you to your destination.
He would approach you as if he knew you for a long time.
I take this time to honor his memory with my rhymes.
He was more than uncle , he was like a grandfather to me.
He would say  me , boy appreciate the small things
Forgive those people who wrong you.
 those words stay with me when I don’t know what to do.

For man like this to be apart of my life is a blessing.
I will remember you for as long as I live .
I will remember you showing how maps work. How to get to one place to another.
I know you are watching over me even now. I know that one day I will see you again..😭

Happy birthday Uncle Sonny.

Love your nephew Stevie.