Not (Muda) at all 🤙🏾

When you feel useless....

It’s hard to find a reason to exist.

Depression continues to persist.

I made some progress but what I have accomplished?

It’s another day above the ground.

Hearing the birds chirp, what a wonderful sound.

Writing another poem to add to the book.

When I post these up , I wonder who bothers to look.

Not saying it’s a bad thing.

However,  feedback is a thing.

Think positive thoughts only.

Even if you are lonely.

It does help make it feel a little better.

Thank God for good weather.

I do appreciate when the good things appear.

I feel better when I am able to confront my fears.

To say to them.

Nah , I don’t have a problem.

I do have solutions.

Solutions for all this pollution

These bad thoughts that enter my brain.

I realized that I am only human but I am not the same .

So as you say”muda muda muda”

I say “Ora Ora Ora “

I’m not useless, not even a little bit.

I’ve  taken a step back from all the bullshit.



Sounds like a bunch of nothing

Just me here and I’m alone.

That’s why I am writing a poem.

So that I won’t feel so alone .

2020 what a year.

So little time and a whole lot of fear.

Lost people who matter to me.

In this horror flick known as Covid-19.

As I Quarantine due to my recovery.

My back has taken some bad blows.

Some blunt hits and some knives too.

Yeah I know.

I have to bare it because it will be okay .

When I look in the mirror , that’s what i will say .

Can I believe it to be the case?

I’ve been rushing like I am in a race.

Yet I still end up in last place .

You can tell by this look 😐 on my face.

I have to endure and learn what it means to be patient.

 To not get angry at people who are incompetent.

 There are bigger things to worry than some ignorant comment.

Guess I gotta be about it so I can show it.

Allow me to find the essential part.

To fix this hole in my heart.

Allow me to be all I can be.

When I am whole, Then I can be free.

Not your Typical Response.

 

For once I don’t have an answer.

Can’t help it I was born a cancer.

As a person who is into their feelings.

I write poetry to express my meaning.

Motivating myself to make a change.

Experience has taught me I am not the same.

32 and I’m tired of these games.

2020 so far as been pretty lame.

Jynex Sol is my name. I don’t go by any other.

A storm is coming near, gotta duck and cover.

Avoiding all this craziness.

Minding my own business.

Looking inward for happiness.

Unfournately my soul is filled with sadness.

I’m not going to lie, I’ve gone through hell.

hope will come but only time can tell.

My problems are my own and it makes things very hard indeed

everyone else has problems too but that’s them and this is me.

Im not going to say no one is important or that I’m above all.

As the saying goes pride comes before the fall.

You can have it all and yet in a moment it can all go away.

In a joker’s voice,”have you ever had a really bad day ?”

I’ve had more bad days then good.

Being optimistic? I did the best I could.

It’s needs work but hey that’s what efforts are for.

It shows you what you didn’t know and more.

Not sure when I’ll be at the door.

So for now I’m going to take my time at the store.

Get what I need and not what I want.

That’s what I was taught. To be upfront.

To be clear and that is why I try to do.

Do you understand the words that I am saying to you ? 

I hope so because  I am still here.

I’ve endured my pain throughout the years.

So many tears.

I just want to do it right.

 I Imagine That would be nice.

Why can’t it be me ?

 

Lately and hear me out, but lately I’ve been wondering why?

Why have I been just that guy?

That guy who tries.

Tries to find the truth instead of believing the lies.

I have a whole lot of patience. 

Yet everyone feels so distant.

I mean yeah there’s social distancing

I’ve just been wondering

Where do I fit in , in all this.

Does a girl even give a shit.

It seems like people are finding each other.

Even during a pandemic.

That synergy though, it’s crazy like static.

Yet I try not let that bother me but it’s like damn .

What’s wrong with me man ? 

Aren’t I decent enough.

Don’t I give enough a fuck.

Why do I get passed over ?

Why does that happen when I want to get a little closer ?

Am I not meant to have someone in my life ?

My life hasn’t been easy. There’s been a lot strife.

Stabbed in the back with some metaphorical knives.

I wish to move past that.

Decrease the number of attacks.

I want to be someone who does see me and takes the time to understand.

Yea I am a man

The thing is that I have a personality too

It’s not always bad there good in there too.

Expectations😕

 I don’t expect things to go my way.

Yet Today.

 I’m told that is what I do.

If that’s the case, it’s really not cool.

I do much for others and normally I don’t ask for anything in return.

It’s when I expect the common courtesy, that’s when I begin to learn.

Not everyone is going to.

Not everyone knows you.

The control is sometimes out of your hands.

How am I  suppose react when I am expected to understand?

I don’t work like that.

In fact.

I feel trapped.

When I tried to explain to those want to help.

Letting them know how I felt.

I guess my words must be wrong.

Seems like I was wrong all along.

If I am, then how am I suppose to cope?

Did I do anything for myself? I’m going to say nope.

I only know how to help other people and write poetry.

Seems like my destiny.

Even though I’ve always wanted peace.

Want these nightmares to cease.

The past can stay where it needs to be.

I don’t expect things to go my way.

Yet today .

That is what i am told.

Trying to keep it straight and not fold.

Status Update....

My mind is worn, soul is tired and my body is broken.

This poem is my testimony. That is my way and I have spoken.

These last two weeks

I have gradually become weak.

Doubted my own beliefs.

Getting cut off when I would like speak.

By those who don’t care.

By the world that is constantly unfair.

It’s like I have to constantly take a dare.

Whatever happen to the good times we could share.

I guess that got thrown out along with everything else .

Is sadness the default ? It’s the most common thing I felt.

 I wish it wasn’t the only thing.

There’s also being happy.

I wish it was a consistent feeling.

I have to continue on despite me having a bad back.

Have push on even though I have anxiety attacks.

Progress is there and continues to show that I am capable.

That God is able.

I’ve always wanted to say that line.

I know it’s not always but it will be fine.

Going at my own pace a day at a time.

After all,  in the end the sun always shines.

A Stone Cold One...

Glass shatters from time taking its toll.

Waking down the street feeling like stone cold.

The rattlesnake moves silently as it gets near.

Lightning strikes giving you no chance to feel fear.

I feel I’m there ringside and he asks the guy for a beer.

Shit I would do the same thing too.

That be cool.

The thing is depression is so annoying.

Have me confused about where am I going.

That’s why I talk trash.

Showing someone my foot will end up in your ass.

Sometimes I wish I could give my anxiety a stunner.

Make it go away like a world class runner.

That’s what I like about stone cold

The rattlesnake never folds.

Stunning fears

Drinking bears.

Feeling proud as I point my middle finger to the air.

Should I keep on writing? 

As he would ask ,”Gimme a hell yeah.

There is no Third time...

There was a first time  and second time.

A moment of conflict and a moment to apologize.

Forgive me if I say there will not be a third.

This back and forth thing, I’m not trying to get hurt.

I’m not trying to hurt you.

I don’t appreciate the fact I don’t get to speak , that’s not cool.

I was being honest and considerate.

All that did was allow me to be stepped on like shit.

Enough is enough.

I understand life is rough.

Don’t take it out on me for not understanding how you are.

Even when I do go really far.

Travel far , going the extra mile just to see if you are alright.

It’s seems all you know how to do fight .

Yeah you picked the wrong person cause I’m not the one.

I can’t even relax even when the day is done.

Cause of people who do this and that.

Warming up the back of my hand....Smack

Y’all definitely need one but I’m going to let my poetry do it for free.

Doing my thing.

Being what I am meant to be.

Even if I become something more and you aren’t able to see.

Like Cena says you can’t see me.

It’s not up to me😐

 

It’s up to you? Why does it have to be?

Why could it be , hey can you come see me ?

There is a clear difference between the two.

all I hear is that it is up to you.

Yeah I know I suppose be to be cool.

That’s just it though, what if I come at the wrong time ?

I try to be considerate mostly in my mind .

I would like to feel like  I belong when I show up . 

Saying it’s up to me it’s like whether I get there or not , you don’t give a fuck.

I’m just there. Another body on the floor .

I’m not just Somebody . I’m something more.

So if you want me around tell me because I want  to know.

Aren’t all we in a similar boat.

I know we don’t want to be sinking but I rather we float .

Don’t say that it’s up to you to me . 

It’s insulting.

It’s triggering.

I do my best help to you without you even asking.

If it’s possible, can you do the same for me?

Ask for me like I asked for you okay.

The feelings are mutual, it’s okay to reciprocate.

Stop treating me like pest and talking down to me like I’m dumb 

I’m not here for that Instead let’s have fun.

Stop with stares and glares because I don’t feel no love at all.

Bad enough i tripped and now i fall.

I know It’s up to me because you’re okay with me doing just that.

It’s feeling be wanted by those who care. That’s really where its at.

Am I the only one who get this???

 

I feel like I forgot how to help others.

I felt like late last night I was just made to suffer. 

Jealously

Envy.

I low-key express those emotions.

I need to remove them so I can focus.

In a serious note. I want to be okay.

I’m not trying to ruin someone else’s day.

I keep it all in.

Trying to earn myself a win.

when I open my mouth, I’m always corrected.

I do try different methods.

I haven’t found one that works with me overall.

Can’t say I’ve tried everything until I’ve tried them all.

There is one thing I want to do.

I want to defend myself from you.

You people out there.

Who claim to care.

Giving me the “truth” cause I need to hear it.

After hearing this , I feel like shit

Is the truth however how you feel low key about me.

Do I really make it all about me.

When I talk about myself , I’m not excluding  anyone else but this is stuff I keep inside.

Not all the time can I make it my therapist in time.

It just festers around in my brain.

Causing me to go insane.

Just trying to reach out and say help me please.

No one shows.... 

that is why it is overwhelming.

That’s why I can’t tell anyone anything.

Pushing and shoving and wondering overall am I the only one who gets it ?

Can’t F***kin Sleep

You know what , I can’t sleep.

I can’t think . I can’t even eat.

All these I can’t , don’t I have anything better to say?

Yeah I do before I  say have a nice day.

Don’t ever you feel like people only call when they need this.

Where are you when I feel like shit.

Yeah it’s called depression.

Every day is a lesson.

I’m learning that slowly as I go along.

So angry , I need to find the right song.

Something to calm me down.

Something with the right kind of sound.

I don’t like to be used.

I don’t like being the fool.

Don’t  just call when you need me to do something.

Just continue to ignore me.

Seem to excel at that.

Can I have one day where I don’t feel like crap ?

Damn it all.

Why today do I have to fall?

Nothing to grab on to or any option is left.

Is this is the way it’s going to be until my death?

Memoir of the storm

 

Thunder and lightning.

To me it can be very frightening.

Back in Alabama it can get really bad.

It is really sad.

That’s why you gotta be careful.

You’ll know when it’s near.

The very sound causes me to fear.

Grandma told me that it is God talking.

I still believe that till this day honestly.

I wish I had someone here because this is traumatizing.

To be frozen in place .

To have that horrified look on my face.

Oh I wish I had a friendly face to look at .

The flashes make my heart stop and have an anxiety attack.

Yeah I know I’m old but still traumas don’t really go away.

I shouldn’t have gone outside that day .

In the midst of a hurricane a long time go.

Hearing the wind blow.

I could have been lifted in to air.

Good thing is that God is fair.

I’m still here despite everything.

Even the small things have meaning.

Thank you for allowing me to be here and still able to write.

On that note , I finish this and have a good night.

Rainy Day

 

Rainy Days

What else I can say.

The calmness of every drop.

Hitting the ground with a plop.

Cars for some reason still drive fast.

Unsuspecting person gets hit with a splash.

That’s just New York for you or maybe it’s all over.

The end of year is getting closer.

Wish I could say the same for Covid.

This damn pandemic is really stupid .

I mean really. It’s just a lot distancing 

More Sanitizing.

Wish people could get the memo.

Go out if you need to otherwise stay home.

Nevertheless a rainy day isn’t so bad.

You get to relax. How can you be mad ?

 

Sunny Day

 

Be happy with yourself.

Be happy when you decide to help.

So what if no one decide to hang with you.

As long as you keep your head up everything’s cool.

I sound like I just came out of 90s.

Sun in my eyes, it is blinding me.

That’s good though. I rather it be sunny.

Better than wet and cloudy.

I rather be on the block playing card games on the stoop.

Watch out homie for all my crazy moves.

Heading to the bodega for that sammich.

I mean sandwich.

Grabbing the napkins so when I eat,it doesn’t drip.

I want to feel like this all the time.

Even at home where there are things on my mind.

Yes my mind has been traumatized.

Then I take the time to realize...

The kind of guy that I am.

If you give me time so that you can understand.

There is good in me too and not just bad.

I can’t be happy all the time and yeah I do get sad .

So let me say that I am going to enjoy myself.

I’m going to take care of myself with whatever time I have left.

At least I’ll know that I have helped.

Left in the Dark

Time is too short.

Not enough to write this report.

I wish I had more time.

There is just so much on my mind.

Sometimes I wonder does anyone know?

What I refuse to show .

What makes me want to go ? 

Is it because I always say no?

People tell me no usually.

It’s common for me.

To hear that word so often.

Sometimes I wish the blow could be softened.

It still hurts, that wound deep in my heart.

With God it keeps from falling apart.

Not a lot people I know believe but I still do.

I couldn’t do all of this without you.

You have a plan for me and I’m working through it.

Even if .

I fall behind and the others expect me to catch up.

I don’t want to give up.

Leaving me behind though....

Well that leaves a mark.

Taking my only light leaving me in the dark.