Going back and forth between + and -

When I stop talking, that’s when I notice that it’s more lonely .

Not really much I can do about anything.

The only thing I can do is handle what’s in front of me.

After all, even now life does have meaning.

I get tired of not being heard.

Even though I say it slow and not use big words.

I get tired of people who just fall off.

Can’t agree on anything? I suppose I’ll just take a walk.

I get tired of being talked to like I’m dumb.

People say where’s this all coming from.

Experiences man.

Can’t y’all understand ?

Who wants to be mistreated? No one.

It’s like I have to be alone to able to  have fun.

Be the guy who entertains myself.

Like hell.

I don’t want to do that, but what else is there.

Can’t keep complaining and say that nobody cares.

I’m still alive and able to work.

Not in the street and crawling through the dirt.

Yes I am grateful for that but doesn’t mean it’s all peaches and cream.

You know what I mean.

It’s going to take time to get through all.

Maybe I could make a phone call?

Communicate.

Appreciate .

Learn from all the mistakes.

Make more good memories and end the hate.

Not the same as the others.

I really hate when I can’t talk.

Situations get heated , I take a walk.

Seriously though why can I just say anything.

Something.

It would be helped if I weren’t cut off.

Being the bigger person make me apparently soft.

Well I learned from my mistakes from

Blowing up.

Didn’t care how any felt then cause I didn’t give a fuck.

Now I’m doing my best to not do that anymore.

It’s not easy, but definitely a chore.

When I open up , don’t take it as something else entirely.

That’s why there’s no more smiling.

I’m not hear to cause any problems.

I’m here to resolve them.

If for any reason you still don’t believe.

Then it’s on you , it’s not on me.

I’ve tried to be nice and I’ve tried to be clear.

Even with all the bullshit we dealt with over the years.

So take a day out of your own head.

Enjoy life now and leave later for the dead.

I’m not the enemy. I’m not against you.

I just need you to be cool.

Listen to what I have to say and understand there are no hidden intentions.

No triggers or repetition.

Just a honest bunch of words grouped together. 

To show you all that I’m different from the others.

Anxiety is a S.O.B

 

Anxiety , you sneaky SOB

Your impeccable timing .

It never fails, even when I want it to.

Flicking my hand away. Go away shoo.

Can’t sleep because of you.

Always feeling hot and never cool.

Why should my Anxiety rule? It’s not like it pays rent.

If I could sue, I would go after every cent.

Sadly,I have to do this the old fashioned way.

Watching what I say.

Praying for a good day 

Being a productive member of society today.

I know I can’t rush those things.

I just want to be there already.

My Soul held down and marinated in envy.

Realizing that won’t help and it definitely won’t me happy. 

As I said before,  I go at my own pace.

After all it’s not a race.

Going my own pace no hesitation

 

How am i suppose to be okay?

Guilt and Manipulation throughout my days

I guess i was little slow with picking that up.

Im dying over here, let me have that cup.

My throat is so dry.

Who is this lonely guy?

Defeatist thoughts, I wonder why?.

If he's meant to live, why does he feel like he’s about to die?

They say all his problems are small.

As if he could put it all in the closet that's in the hall.

Everyone around you is going through something.

Y'all act like I'm ungrateful or it doesn't mean nothing.

I only can control my own situation.

Going at my own pace, no hesitation.

You can only perceive only what you believe.

No,I'm not depressing

My life can be though from time to time.

Got all these words going through my mind.

It’s not all bad.

I’m not always sad.

However....

Can't say its okay and then dump me in the trash.

Just not how it all works.

Have to plant my feet in the dirt.

As I stand tall.

Walking cautiously as I try not fall.

I’ll remember who was there and who was not

Who knows where is the final stop.

Let me forgive those who don’t know and continue on this path.

Maybe in time I will remember to laugh.

Need more motivation and less procrastination.

Going at my own pace with no hesitation.

When you feel like your in the way.

 

I honestly feel like I’m just in the way.

It hasn’t been good these last couple of days .

My anxiety seems to have risen a whole lot.

I feel like at any moment I can just drop.

My anxiety gets to me in ways I never knew.

Normally I could just be cool.

Now I’m just all over the place. 

Nothing but sadness in my face.

I’m crumbling slowly

Can anyone else see?

They ask me what’s wrong i tell them and then say they can’t help me.

You have to help yourself and that’s what I’m trying to do.

I’m not like y’all on the gram , snap or fb who seem to have a clue.

Y’all smile and I’m just here trying to keep together.

In any kind of weather.

I know shouldn’t compare but I feel like these cry for help I’m writing and no one seems to get it or care.

At least at my job that seems to be case.

Just another day amongst the human race.

Why am I here if I feel like I’m just in the way?

Im here now you say but someday it won’t always be that way.

I want to trust again

 

 

Is there anyone out there I can legit trust?

100% loyalty is a must.

If someone is double-dipping, Let me  be far away.

Trust isn’t something can be earned in a day.

I want to be able to trust again.

Why you out here spreading my business man ?

Running and telling people, didn’t know you was snitch .

I could just say you is a B

You know what , it ain’t even worth it.

I thought I was around the real ones.

Knowing when to be serious and when to have fun.

Telling the world about me.

People have a funny way to perceive what they see in me .

I know I can’t let it get to far.

Nigga I walk, it ain’t like I have a car.

Gotta  go at my own pace .

I don’t need to go behind your back, I’ll say it to your face .

People like you need to be erased.

I’m just angry right now, don’t mean to catch a case. 

There’s a line between snitching and being concerned.

If you didn’t know that, time for you to learn.

I can’t stand traitors who are out here scheming.

Time to pull the walls up, catch my meaning ? 

Aftermath of an Anxiety Attack

I hate when my mind goes back to back.

Can’t breathe right now , having an anxiety attack.

Come on, I don’t need this right now .

I climbed so high, I don’t want to fall down.

Is it so bad to just see the good in myself?

There is nothing wrong with needing help.

I am continuing the contributions to the improvement of me.

After all, I have to keep going. 

Nobody but God honestly has the last say.

Things gets to me to ruin my day ?!

I didn’t ask for those things okay.

What happened to me then was not just nothing

I literally believed I meant nothing.

Enemies are often those who were once close to you.

Whether it be friends or family or a significant other too.

The shock hits me when those words formed.

Like how could they say that, I’m so torn.

Maybe they got fed up.

 It feels like being around me was bad luck.

If you felt like I gave you the upmost reason to stay away, I’m sorry.

My problems are my own and I am healing.

I’m done explaining myself and trying to show people what I am about.

When did people decide to replace faith with doubt ?

Making it clear...

It’s not easy to go forward when you are always in the past

According to some, its where you can find me at.

Somewhere between hopes and dreams.

Trying to remain positive and stay clean .

Clean from the filth that I wade through every day.

Taking time out just so I can pray .

Praying for a good day or something nice to say.

 I am Not where I was before.

Told the unstable character to head for the door .

This can’t be all there is , there has to be more.

There is more to life than just depression.

Like my dad says, each day is a lesson.

Just have to pay attention like it’s the classroom.

Taking down notes so I have a clue.

I can’t always be so blue.

Blue is my color because of the sky.

Climbing up so high.

I like the view.

I can keep this up if I pull through.

I’m not that same guy and I would like to make that clear . 

Keeping my head up even through this crappy year .

No Slippin

 

Can I please go back in time.

To the 90s please , that be fine.

Right now in 2020 it is so hectic.

People’s attitude towards things is pathetic.

I’m doing me, taking me day by day.

Going to work and getting paid.

It just feels I’m repeating the same cycle. 

Like throwing stones and it makes the same ripple.

I need something new.

Something I have yet to do.

Something that is meaningful and just.

Good for the moral conscience is a must.

For at times , the day can be pretty bleak.

Ever changing weather and shifting personalities.

Then there is me.

I’m here in the middle of it trying to figure it all out.

I don’t know how I will but I’ll make it somehow.

I have to and I have to remember that I have limits.

Sometimes I think I’m Goku going beyond this.

Into this mature person, free from the chains of the past.

I pray it will last

God ,please hold me close and don’t let me flip.

I don’t want to slip.

Slip on the ice known as depression.

Deserve What???

 

When I’m outside and see someone else happy.

It’s at that same moment I feel so crappy.

I feel like why do they deserve to be okay ?

Before I get cursed out ,Here me out for what I have to say.

I’m grateful for waking up today . 

I’m grateful to have survive the day.

It’s rough for me on the inside .

Tough to smile when I really want to cry.

I have to tough it out.

I have no room to doubt.

People don’t deserve a lot because they take it all for granted.

When I have less and they have more I can’t stand it.

I work too.

I mean it when I say I care about you.

So why not me as well?

I can’t stand dealing with all this internal hell.

That’s why i do what I can .

Not for them ,but for me. Understand.

I’m not needy yo😕

 

Someone told me that I can’t be needy.

 There are some things I do need.

For example, I need to be able to speak my mind.

Everyone else can so when is it my time?

I need to go outside without feeling afraid.

Depression and Anxiety is still a thing okay.

I need to believe in me.

Many things are out of my control, I need to let that be.

I need to not doubt.

Deciding whether to stay in or to go out.

Second guessing whether I belong or not.

Just a bad thought.

I’m sorry that what you say to me gets in my head.

Shouldn’t you be supportive instead.

Yes I know that I shouldn’t let it bother me but it has.

it has made me sad or even mad.

Looking at the mirror and saying you are better than this.

Know what is from what isn’t . 

A lot of folk could benefit from a kind gesture.

Especially through the stormy weather.

I need someone to understand that.

To see all not some Of the facts.

Just so I don’t crack.

I’m not needy yo

you and your opinion really need to go.

Insomnia

 

There is the one story that I wish tell. 

Even now in my mind, it gives me hell.

The thing in the night.

That wakes me up with such a fright.

I just wish talking about it were easy.

It’s not though. Makes my stomach queasy.

Makes me think the whole time I was the bad guy.

Got me doubting my beliefs and asking God why?

I though that I could be better than this.

Like walking across ice and trying not to slip.

Trying not stumble and trip.

Trying to keep it contain so that I don’t flip.

It’s been a couple of years since I’ve dealt with this shit.

It messes with my head.

Make me believe I shouldn’t exist instead,

Yes I know the poem is depressing.

It’s overwhelming.

That’s how I’m feeling right now 

Don’t know how .

Even though I’m writing this on a bus.

On my way to work saying to myself, Good luck.

Right now I wish I didn’t give a fuck.

That’s not me at all.

I care too much even as I fall.

Falling down on my knees to the ground.

Crying slowly as I don’t make a sound.

As my heart slowly pounds.

I wonder is it enough to have me around ?

Where did it all go?🤯

 

That feeling, where did it go?

 searching the depths of my soul.

I just wanna know.

I just wanna have hope.

To be fair.

I would like someone there.

I need to a moment to prepare.

Let me breath in this fresh air.

As I heal my broken body.

Falling back into old hobbies.

Looking back on some fond memories.

Seeing photos of people who I wish didn’t leave.

It’s about me accepting the reality.

Talking up responsibility.

I’m grown  and I have things I need to do.

As I write this, I do think of you.

Probably shouldn’t  though, bad memories aren’t so cool.

Especially one after the other while i am trying to sleep.

Only the best memories I do keep.

Keep it close 

You never know.

Sooo Awkward😐

 

I just don’t know how to be social,

 I sound like an awkward commercial.

I walk up and just freeze.

Don’t know how to not react badly.

It’s just one of those things I have to improve on.

I don’t like it when the feeling is gone.

It’s hard for me to find that feeling in the first place.

Can you tell by the look on my face?

I am socially awkward and I feel lost.

My voice is the only one I got.

I wanna be heard but I don’t know what to say.

Trying to ask co-workers how was their day.

Same shit I suppose.

You know how it goes.

If It doesn’t work out, have to keep moving.

Moving forward is what I need to do.

Holding it all and exploding is something I don’t mean to.

I just need the right friends.

Keep me grounded, essential and to be able to understand.

I’m just a man, like everyone else.

Knowing how they and I felt.

We aren’t always on the same page.

Even so , I get it and they get it too.  

Getting over the awkwardness is something I need to do.

Doing my thing/too much on the brain.

You know what the problem is?
I've stared too long into the abyss
When im lost , im like what is this.
Nothing around me but darkness.
Sometimes i am afraid.
I think girls are all the same.
Scenarios are all over my brain.
Doesn't it sound insane?
I can't say all girl when i don't have the facts.
 it is all about me ? How about that?
You don't know jack.
I can't even form words half the time.
That's not issue when im writing down rhymes.
Rows of poetry on the thin blue lines.
What do i have to do to make it fine.
Should not be so sad any more?
Pick myself off the floor?
Spend less money at the store?
Take a specific course?
It's alot for me to think about.
Dont have the status yet to brag about clout.
Sure it may sound like doubt.
Depression in my brain, yeah i want out.
I want to keep on doing my thing.
Be hands on as i am working.
Keep my guard up as the enemy is lurking.
Time for more healing and less hurting.

Standing up...

Now I know there are those see my posts
Some are okay and others say I am a ghost.
Hope is something I’m in need of the most.
What ? Doesn’t everyone need a little hope?
Yeah I’m just one guy.
A guy who just does things and never asked why?
Is that a crime ?
Did I run out of time ?
I’m still here on earth so let me make the most of it.
Still get plagued by depression.
Not always does it plague me.
Not always do I have bad dreams.
I’m still writing and that’s saying something.
It’s progress
Nevertheless, it’s important for me to grow.
After all, I do have a good side I like to show.
So for those out there you see me as a joke.
Fade away quick like a puff of smoke.
Be careful with those words, it’s possible to choke.
Especially when you don’t know everything.
It’s not only just what you see.
Like that good stuff, grade A quality.
I’m a poet who can write it all down down .
On the bus onto the next town.
I’m here for the real ones, forget these clowns.
I’m not perfect, but I do try to do the right thing.
Is that telling you something?
It tells me that I have a chance.
To stand tall and be my own man.

We are family....sry a bit rusty.

Hey you , are you there ?
Did you know that I actually care?
Care about you , yes I do.
This isn’t about me , it’s about you.
Taking the time from writing about being sad.
Not all the time am I always mad.
When I write , my words reach the soul.
Give us the ability to crawl outta of the hole.
Taking chances and finding new doors.
Opening it to find so much more.
Yeah ,it may sound like I’m full of it.
Can people actually try reading this?
Seeing that I’m sincere with these lines.
Spreading awareness while there is still time.
Letting you know that I am someone who is around.
You can talk to me if your down.
Honestly I don’t like frowns.
Let laughter be the only sound.
In times like these, we need each other.
Just like a mother, father,sister,or a brother.
We are family.
We are unique.