Last one of the year👌🏾

 

Today is a new day

I’m going to enjoy it no matter what anyone says.

I am reminding myself that I am in control.

Reminding myself to be wary of the deep hole.

I’ve been Sparta kicked down so many times .

I fell off writing these lines,  back here again with the rhymes.

I rhyme because times are hard.

I rhyme because it beats drinking the whole bar.

Whether some reads it or not is what matters.

It’s my will and mental state I refuse to let shatter.

I only have one life.

When times get hard I don’t need the knife.

I just need a day with the sun.

To clear my mind and to have some fun.

Whether that be dueling or playing RE.

Reguardless of what people may think of me.

I’m still here despite everything.

I’m grateful for that .

Listening to those encouraging facts.

Grabbing my bag full of snacks.

Laughing instead of having anxiety attacks.

So here it the last poem of the year.

So long 2020 , to this year of fears.

They have come and now they are gone .

I have no desire to repeat the same song .

My only desire is not make myself open when I’m sad.

 Not Going back and asking  for what I used to have.

No need to now.

No reason to ask me how.

Just know I am focused.

Like Smokey says and you know this....

Mannn

2020😒

 

You know whats funny.

This whole year called 2020.

Let me tell you why.

First of all, I’m just one guy.

Yet alone I’ve been tested so much.

Covid came and gave no fucks.

It still here and it’s just getting worse.

Feeling nothing but the pain and the hurt.

Everyone is going through it and it’s no different On my end.

I’m still looking for that person that understands.

Cause I know who I am .

I do what I can .

I can’t save everyone when I need to work on me .

I’m alone right now , maybe it’s destiny.

Cause love isn’t really there for one thing.

Just have to keep it together through this recovery.

I know I need to have faith.

I need to realize that everyone makes mistakes.

Even wish I didn’t and still had you.

I wouldn’t feel so blue.

I know not everyone can handle me

Comparing me to the toxicity.

You say what you want , it’s going to come back.

if I manage to survive the verbal  attack.

I did nothing to hurt anyone but still I did in someway.

Somehow ...😓

That’s not the way to start the day.



Venting is good for the soul.

 

To anyone who reads this. 

I just want to state this for the record.

I am a social awkward, depressed individual.

That being said... I’m just going to vent now.  Also I do explain why I am upset so I don’t have to talk about it ever again .

As a person who been going through it, I should be grateful to be alive and not out in the cold . I just wish I didn’t feel so alone at times . It happens even when there is someone there.

Yeah that is just something I really needed to get off my chest.

Every time I talk to someone who I think can offers advice , it turns into being told what to do so.  Also I don’t mind trying out things, but it’s more along the lines if I am able to.  I know I mess up a lot . I mess up at home, at school, at work and even in my personal life.

I don’t really feel like I am good at most things . Sure I write poetry, do impressions, play yugioh and occasionally play Re4. Those are mostly distractions. 

Nowadays I don’t get much joy out of doing said things anymore because honestly something just tells me I am wasting time . I’m always tense and I cannot relax at all. Even when doctors tell me to relax I can’t . Besides it’s not wise to tell someone who is already mad to relax , it just pisses them off.  

So the reason why I am upset ....😳

I trigger people. I managed to  actually  trigger four ppl this year and I would’ve never known until the very end where the bridge burns and crumbles. Their life always seems to be a lot better without me in it to ruin things.

Needless to say that hearing a cold ass comment at the end of all things shouldn’t exactly place the blame on me. It’s more half and half really .  perception of one’s words can really make all the difference but only if you know what they mean .

Truth be told , I rather they be direct with it.  That way I know , I feel like crap , pick myself up and  then overcome it

Half the time , I have to repeat myself because of mumbling and just being bad at explaining things. I say over and over , I’m not good at explaining things. Of course that’s not heard and assumptions are made.  I get left out of things often and then later on , it gets assumed that I know what’s going on. I’m like really....😒

You couldn’t just open your fucking mouth and tell me.Not everyone is like this but I do my best to not assume that. I go off based on my experiences dealing with the matter . I’m not always right  but if my gut feels funny then I am going to go with that.

My support group or my friends , I miss y’all where ever y’all are at . However there are some who I don’t understand why they did what they did.  Why did they betray me?  Did they feel they were off with me around? That’s just me guessing but I will never know because well they don’t really respond.

It’s hard for me to talk about things . When I talk , I feel like all I’m doing to that person who is listening that I am complaining when all they want to do is simply not be there and have to listen to it.

That’s why I would rather talk about something else particularly that’s not my personal issues . That be great. I’m not being sarcastic.  I feel so limited when I don’t talk and have to bottle it up because people don’t get me . This doesn’t apply to those who do know me so you can relax. 

Posting things on Facebook usually isn’t a good idea however , this is me just getting it  off my chest in my own words reguardless on how I am viewed by others. It sickens me to know that I do trigger people and that I can be overwhelming. 

It’s not done on purpose and I wish people would get that.

What people don’t realize is that I hold my tongue because a lot of shit gets overlooked. If I was able to get away with half the shit these mothers do man I be one slick ass nigga . Alas that is not me . I say this you have no idea to wake up as me . Having to be me in every waking moment . I go at my own pace not in everyone else fucking pace. I have my moments but so does everyone else . I rather not be reminded where I fuck up because I have memories for that exact reason. To have someone keep reminding you is like pressing rewind on a part you wanna skip. I went through it once. I don’t need an echo.

I’m sorry for what I did. I’m sorry that I have offended anyone . I’m sorry for all the people I may have affected with my actions overall as a man. I’m

Just tired being left out and only called on when something is needed. I’m tired of seeing the struggle, working through it ,listening to niggas who have all these answers and yet in the same damn position.  I’m just like y’all . 

I’ve may have strayed off, repeated myself in this ,but hey you know that’s why it’s called venting...😎

wanting to go ghost 4 real.

 

I am Ghost.

Going Ghost more than most.

Feeling like I've lost all hope. 

I don't see anyway to really cope.

I don't know  who I can talk to.

Maybe what they say about me is true.

I bring everything down.

So much feeling and I don't even make a  sound.

What can I do to not be  the same?

Is there a way to overcome this pain?

My support isn't even there.

Life is just unfair.

Im just saying, these days are the worst.

Hanging my head low dragging my feet through  the dirt.

How am I suppose to feel great?

People falling off, tired of these people who are fake.

Everyone  can vent but  me.

Im not asking  for your  pity.

Im not asking  much of anything.

Just be there for me in my corner please.

I know i would do that for you in a heartbeat.

Is that so much to ask for?

I really dont know anything anymore.

I just sit in my room alone.

It Feels more like a hole than home.

Am I Walking toward the edge

 

I got through this week some how.

Now that a new week begins. I still have doubts.

Whether I am a good person?

Whether  if anyone can understand?

I’m losing people around me .

It’s really Saddening.

People you care about , gone too soon.

It’s hurts to go outside , go to retreat inside my room.

When I stay in here for  a long time.

I try to tell myself that I am fine.

You know , I got this so don’t even worry.

After all what’s the hurry.

Just keep playing the music.

Embrace what you have and use it.

After all , to be outside I need some confidence.

It’s not easy once you make the decision.

Going forward has to remain my mission.

As much as I don’t want to think about what happened, I do...

That night was really not cool.

I didn’t mean to make anyone feel afraid.

I didn’t twist my words for any benefit or gain.

My way of thinking isn’t the same

I do a lot of thinking especially when read or when I play a game .

Now all that’s left is me.

Walking the path of destiny.

I’m not sure if getting weak was a part of it .

I really don’t know what to do about this.

I can’t keep doing the same thing and nothing changes.

Am I going to keep walking the same way till I reach the edge ?! 

Just doing my thing again

 

protecting myself from the toxicity for now on.

I can’t be too reckless or else I am gone .

My mind has taken a toll , my body is no better.

I’m still crossing the street in all kinds of weather. 

Battered and worn- out T-shirt and jeans 

I still rock chuck Taylor’s as I damn well please.

Listening to my playlist of mp3s

Always down to listen to some LP.

Walking down the street

to the bodega to grab me something to eat.

Bacon egg and cheese.

Hey I gotta eat.

Just thinking overall about today.

What do I want to say?

I wish my back was okay.

It will heal in time. Let’s stay optimistic.

Even when I feel ok, let’s not to be drastic.

It is after all about healing.

Writing How about my overall feelings.

I’m doing alright, can’t really complain.

Things are the same.

Taking it slow and playing some games.

Everyday is new and never ceases to change.

That’s how things are.

I’ve made progress, I’ve come so far.

I know that I work really hard.

Not for me but for those around me who know what I am about.

It’s not about clout.

It’s about doing right by each other.

Together in unison as sisters and brothers.

Panicking during a Pandemic.

 

I do what I can each day and still I feel the same.

Being positive needs to be my focus until negativity doesn't remain.

Here I am just wondering if I am letting the past take over me.

Why can't I just be me?

I am really not even thinking about what happened back then.

I am at the point where a new chapters begins.

Two weeks into recovery and my back still hurts,

My mind is lost and my chest feels even worse.

As this rate, the slightest bit of help is needed.

I am doing what I am suppose be doing so why do I feel defeated?

Oh it's that nagging thought in the back of my head.

I'm still grateful to be here and not end up dead.

The one thing I think about more than anything else.

That thing that I felt.

I don't really like talking about it.

I have before.... I am trying not to be nostalgic,

What used to be.....Fucking Pandemic.

It ruined Everything,

It really did or maybe that was me.

I don't know anymore.

I'm just not happy and I really try to be.

People just don't get it the fact that it is hard.

I've come so damn far.

Yet the obvious is always stated.

I really hate it.

Pointing it out, talking to me like I am dumb,

I am not useless. I am someone.

I feel like I am there for a reason or something more.

I'm not a bore, or  here to do your damn chores.

I just want to open that fucking door.

So I don't have to worry anymore

Hold On To The Life We still have.

 

 This feeling when your heart clutches it hurts your chest.

Feeling like life is slipping away with each and every breath.

Your body goes into shock from fright in the middle of night.

It never feels right.

It never feels right when you lose that connection.

Words are exchanged and can be deadly as weapons.

You can use them to attack or to defend.

Be assertive not aggressive as you try to understand.

It is important to get your feelings across and the message to be clear.

I had to learn that lesson the hard way after so many years.

I am still learning and I am choosing to not give up.

It's not all what someone else has or even luck.

It's faith and effort that makes all the difference.

Apply it to yourself first and see the outcome.

It is not the same place you came from.

Rather it is still part of the journey.

Remember each day is lesson as we are students still learning.

Not (Muda) at all 🤙🏾

When you feel useless....

It’s hard to find a reason to exist.

Depression continues to persist.

I made some progress but what I have accomplished?

It’s another day above the ground.

Hearing the birds chirp, what a wonderful sound.

Writing another poem to add to the book.

When I post these up , I wonder who bothers to look.

Not saying it’s a bad thing.

However,  feedback is a thing.

Think positive thoughts only.

Even if you are lonely.

It does help make it feel a little better.

Thank God for good weather.

I do appreciate when the good things appear.

I feel better when I am able to confront my fears.

To say to them.

Nah , I don’t have a problem.

I do have solutions.

Solutions for all this pollution

These bad thoughts that enter my brain.

I realized that I am only human but I am not the same .

So as you say”muda muda muda”

I say “Ora Ora Ora “

I’m not useless, not even a little bit.

I’ve  taken a step back from all the bullshit.



Sounds like a bunch of nothing

Just me here and I’m alone.

That’s why I am writing a poem.

So that I won’t feel so alone .

2020 what a year.

So little time and a whole lot of fear.

Lost people who matter to me.

In this horror flick known as Covid-19.

As I Quarantine due to my recovery.

My back has taken some bad blows.

Some blunt hits and some knives too.

Yeah I know.

I have to bare it because it will be okay .

When I look in the mirror , that’s what i will say .

Can I believe it to be the case?

I’ve been rushing like I am in a race.

Yet I still end up in last place .

You can tell by this look 😐 on my face.

I have to endure and learn what it means to be patient.

 To not get angry at people who are incompetent.

 There are bigger things to worry than some ignorant comment.

Guess I gotta be about it so I can show it.

Allow me to find the essential part.

To fix this hole in my heart.

Allow me to be all I can be.

When I am whole, Then I can be free.

Not your Typical Response.

 

For once I don’t have an answer.

Can’t help it I was born a cancer.

As a person who is into their feelings.

I write poetry to express my meaning.

Motivating myself to make a change.

Experience has taught me I am not the same.

32 and I’m tired of these games.

2020 so far as been pretty lame.

Jynex Sol is my name. I don’t go by any other.

A storm is coming near, gotta duck and cover.

Avoiding all this craziness.

Minding my own business.

Looking inward for happiness.

Unfournately my soul is filled with sadness.

I’m not going to lie, I’ve gone through hell.

hope will come but only time can tell.

My problems are my own and it makes things very hard indeed

everyone else has problems too but that’s them and this is me.

Im not going to say no one is important or that I’m above all.

As the saying goes pride comes before the fall.

You can have it all and yet in a moment it can all go away.

In a joker’s voice,”have you ever had a really bad day ?”

I’ve had more bad days then good.

Being optimistic? I did the best I could.

It’s needs work but hey that’s what efforts are for.

It shows you what you didn’t know and more.

Not sure when I’ll be at the door.

So for now I’m going to take my time at the store.

Get what I need and not what I want.

That’s what I was taught. To be upfront.

To be clear and that is why I try to do.

Do you understand the words that I am saying to you ? 

I hope so because  I am still here.

I’ve endured my pain throughout the years.

So many tears.

I just want to do it right.

 I Imagine That would be nice.

Why can’t it be me ?

 

Lately and hear me out, but lately I’ve been wondering why?

Why have I been just that guy?

That guy who tries.

Tries to find the truth instead of believing the lies.

I have a whole lot of patience. 

Yet everyone feels so distant.

I mean yeah there’s social distancing

I’ve just been wondering

Where do I fit in , in all this.

Does a girl even give a shit.

It seems like people are finding each other.

Even during a pandemic.

That synergy though, it’s crazy like static.

Yet I try not let that bother me but it’s like damn .

What’s wrong with me man ? 

Aren’t I decent enough.

Don’t I give enough a fuck.

Why do I get passed over ?

Why does that happen when I want to get a little closer ?

Am I not meant to have someone in my life ?

My life hasn’t been easy. There’s been a lot strife.

Stabbed in the back with some metaphorical knives.

I wish to move past that.

Decrease the number of attacks.

I want to be someone who does see me and takes the time to understand.

Yea I am a man

The thing is that I have a personality too

It’s not always bad there good in there too.

Expectations😕

 I don’t expect things to go my way.

Yet Today.

 I’m told that is what I do.

If that’s the case, it’s really not cool.

I do much for others and normally I don’t ask for anything in return.

It’s when I expect the common courtesy, that’s when I begin to learn.

Not everyone is going to.

Not everyone knows you.

The control is sometimes out of your hands.

How am I  suppose react when I am expected to understand?

I don’t work like that.

In fact.

I feel trapped.

When I tried to explain to those want to help.

Letting them know how I felt.

I guess my words must be wrong.

Seems like I was wrong all along.

If I am, then how am I suppose to cope?

Did I do anything for myself? I’m going to say nope.

I only know how to help other people and write poetry.

Seems like my destiny.

Even though I’ve always wanted peace.

Want these nightmares to cease.

The past can stay where it needs to be.

I don’t expect things to go my way.

Yet today .

That is what i am told.

Trying to keep it straight and not fold.

Status Update....

My mind is worn, soul is tired and my body is broken.

This poem is my testimony. That is my way and I have spoken.

These last two weeks

I have gradually become weak.

Doubted my own beliefs.

Getting cut off when I would like speak.

By those who don’t care.

By the world that is constantly unfair.

It’s like I have to constantly take a dare.

Whatever happen to the good times we could share.

I guess that got thrown out along with everything else .

Is sadness the default ? It’s the most common thing I felt.

 I wish it wasn’t the only thing.

There’s also being happy.

I wish it was a consistent feeling.

I have to continue on despite me having a bad back.

Have push on even though I have anxiety attacks.

Progress is there and continues to show that I am capable.

That God is able.

I’ve always wanted to say that line.

I know it’s not always but it will be fine.

Going at my own pace a day at a time.

After all,  in the end the sun always shines.

A Stone Cold One...

Glass shatters from time taking its toll.

Waking down the street feeling like stone cold.

The rattlesnake moves silently as it gets near.

Lightning strikes giving you no chance to feel fear.

I feel I’m there ringside and he asks the guy for a beer.

Shit I would do the same thing too.

That be cool.

The thing is depression is so annoying.

Have me confused about where am I going.

That’s why I talk trash.

Showing someone my foot will end up in your ass.

Sometimes I wish I could give my anxiety a stunner.

Make it go away like a world class runner.

That’s what I like about stone cold

The rattlesnake never folds.

Stunning fears

Drinking bears.

Feeling proud as I point my middle finger to the air.

Should I keep on writing? 

As he would ask ,”Gimme a hell yeah.

There is no Third time...

There was a first time  and second time.

A moment of conflict and a moment to apologize.

Forgive me if I say there will not be a third.

This back and forth thing, I’m not trying to get hurt.

I’m not trying to hurt you.

I don’t appreciate the fact I don’t get to speak , that’s not cool.

I was being honest and considerate.

All that did was allow me to be stepped on like shit.

Enough is enough.

I understand life is rough.

Don’t take it out on me for not understanding how you are.

Even when I do go really far.

Travel far , going the extra mile just to see if you are alright.

It’s seems all you know how to do fight .

Yeah you picked the wrong person cause I’m not the one.

I can’t even relax even when the day is done.

Cause of people who do this and that.

Warming up the back of my hand....Smack

Y’all definitely need one but I’m going to let my poetry do it for free.

Doing my thing.

Being what I am meant to be.

Even if I become something more and you aren’t able to see.

Like Cena says you can’t see me.

It’s not up to me😐

 

It’s up to you? Why does it have to be?

Why could it be , hey can you come see me ?

There is a clear difference between the two.

all I hear is that it is up to you.

Yeah I know I suppose be to be cool.

That’s just it though, what if I come at the wrong time ?

I try to be considerate mostly in my mind .

I would like to feel like  I belong when I show up . 

Saying it’s up to me it’s like whether I get there or not , you don’t give a fuck.

I’m just there. Another body on the floor .

I’m not just Somebody . I’m something more.

So if you want me around tell me because I want  to know.

Aren’t all we in a similar boat.

I know we don’t want to be sinking but I rather we float .

Don’t say that it’s up to you to me . 

It’s insulting.

It’s triggering.

I do my best help to you without you even asking.

If it’s possible, can you do the same for me?

Ask for me like I asked for you okay.

The feelings are mutual, it’s okay to reciprocate.

Stop treating me like pest and talking down to me like I’m dumb 

I’m not here for that Instead let’s have fun.

Stop with stares and glares because I don’t feel no love at all.

Bad enough i tripped and now i fall.

I know It’s up to me because you’re okay with me doing just that.

It’s feeling be wanted by those who care. That’s really where its at.

Am I the only one who get this???

 

I feel like I forgot how to help others.

I felt like late last night I was just made to suffer. 

Jealously

Envy.

I low-key express those emotions.

I need to remove them so I can focus.

In a serious note. I want to be okay.

I’m not trying to ruin someone else’s day.

I keep it all in.

Trying to earn myself a win.

when I open my mouth, I’m always corrected.

I do try different methods.

I haven’t found one that works with me overall.

Can’t say I’ve tried everything until I’ve tried them all.

There is one thing I want to do.

I want to defend myself from you.

You people out there.

Who claim to care.

Giving me the “truth” cause I need to hear it.

After hearing this , I feel like shit

Is the truth however how you feel low key about me.

Do I really make it all about me.

When I talk about myself , I’m not excluding  anyone else but this is stuff I keep inside.

Not all the time can I make it my therapist in time.

It just festers around in my brain.

Causing me to go insane.

Just trying to reach out and say help me please.

No one shows.... 

that is why it is overwhelming.

That’s why I can’t tell anyone anything.

Pushing and shoving and wondering overall am I the only one who gets it ?

Can’t F***kin Sleep

You know what , I can’t sleep.

I can’t think . I can’t even eat.

All these I can’t , don’t I have anything better to say?

Yeah I do before I  say have a nice day.

Don’t ever you feel like people only call when they need this.

Where are you when I feel like shit.

Yeah it’s called depression.

Every day is a lesson.

I’m learning that slowly as I go along.

So angry , I need to find the right song.

Something to calm me down.

Something with the right kind of sound.

I don’t like to be used.

I don’t like being the fool.

Don’t  just call when you need me to do something.

Just continue to ignore me.

Seem to excel at that.

Can I have one day where I don’t feel like crap ?

Damn it all.

Why today do I have to fall?

Nothing to grab on to or any option is left.

Is this is the way it’s going to be until my death?

Memoir of the storm

 

Thunder and lightning.

To me it can be very frightening.

Back in Alabama it can get really bad.

It is really sad.

That’s why you gotta be careful.

You’ll know when it’s near.

The very sound causes me to fear.

Grandma told me that it is God talking.

I still believe that till this day honestly.

I wish I had someone here because this is traumatizing.

To be frozen in place .

To have that horrified look on my face.

Oh I wish I had a friendly face to look at .

The flashes make my heart stop and have an anxiety attack.

Yeah I know I’m old but still traumas don’t really go away.

I shouldn’t have gone outside that day .

In the midst of a hurricane a long time go.

Hearing the wind blow.

I could have been lifted in to air.

Good thing is that God is fair.

I’m still here despite everything.

Even the small things have meaning.

Thank you for allowing me to be here and still able to write.

On that note , I finish this and have a good night.

Rainy Day

 

Rainy Days

What else I can say.

The calmness of every drop.

Hitting the ground with a plop.

Cars for some reason still drive fast.

Unsuspecting person gets hit with a splash.

That’s just New York for you or maybe it’s all over.

The end of year is getting closer.

Wish I could say the same for Covid.

This damn pandemic is really stupid .

I mean really. It’s just a lot distancing 

More Sanitizing.

Wish people could get the memo.

Go out if you need to otherwise stay home.

Nevertheless a rainy day isn’t so bad.

You get to relax. How can you be mad ?

 

Sunny Day

 

Be happy with yourself.

Be happy when you decide to help.

So what if no one decide to hang with you.

As long as you keep your head up everything’s cool.

I sound like I just came out of 90s.

Sun in my eyes, it is blinding me.

That’s good though. I rather it be sunny.

Better than wet and cloudy.

I rather be on the block playing card games on the stoop.

Watch out homie for all my crazy moves.

Heading to the bodega for that sammich.

I mean sandwich.

Grabbing the napkins so when I eat,it doesn’t drip.

I want to feel like this all the time.

Even at home where there are things on my mind.

Yes my mind has been traumatized.

Then I take the time to realize...

The kind of guy that I am.

If you give me time so that you can understand.

There is good in me too and not just bad.

I can’t be happy all the time and yeah I do get sad .

So let me say that I am going to enjoy myself.

I’m going to take care of myself with whatever time I have left.

At least I’ll know that I have helped.

Left in the Dark

Time is too short.

Not enough to write this report.

I wish I had more time.

There is just so much on my mind.

Sometimes I wonder does anyone know?

What I refuse to show .

What makes me want to go ? 

Is it because I always say no?

People tell me no usually.

It’s common for me.

To hear that word so often.

Sometimes I wish the blow could be softened.

It still hurts, that wound deep in my heart.

With God it keeps from falling apart.

Not a lot people I know believe but I still do.

I couldn’t do all of this without you.

You have a plan for me and I’m working through it.

Even if .

I fall behind and the others expect me to catch up.

I don’t want to give up.

Leaving me behind though....

Well that leaves a mark.

Taking my only light leaving me in the dark.

Going back and forth between + and -

When I stop talking, that’s when I notice that it’s more lonely .

Not really much I can do about anything.

The only thing I can do is handle what’s in front of me.

After all, even now life does have meaning.

I get tired of not being heard.

Even though I say it slow and not use big words.

I get tired of people who just fall off.

Can’t agree on anything? I suppose I’ll just take a walk.

I get tired of being talked to like I’m dumb.

People say where’s this all coming from.

Experiences man.

Can’t y’all understand ?

Who wants to be mistreated? No one.

It’s like I have to be alone to able to  have fun.

Be the guy who entertains myself.

Like hell.

I don’t want to do that, but what else is there.

Can’t keep complaining and say that nobody cares.

I’m still alive and able to work.

Not in the street and crawling through the dirt.

Yes I am grateful for that but doesn’t mean it’s all peaches and cream.

You know what I mean.

It’s going to take time to get through all.

Maybe I could make a phone call?

Communicate.

Appreciate .

Learn from all the mistakes.

Make more good memories and end the hate.

Not the same as the others.

I really hate when I can’t talk.

Situations get heated , I take a walk.

Seriously though why can I just say anything.

Something.

It would be helped if I weren’t cut off.

Being the bigger person make me apparently soft.

Well I learned from my mistakes from

Blowing up.

Didn’t care how any felt then cause I didn’t give a fuck.

Now I’m doing my best to not do that anymore.

It’s not easy, but definitely a chore.

When I open up , don’t take it as something else entirely.

That’s why there’s no more smiling.

I’m not hear to cause any problems.

I’m here to resolve them.

If for any reason you still don’t believe.

Then it’s on you , it’s not on me.

I’ve tried to be nice and I’ve tried to be clear.

Even with all the bullshit we dealt with over the years.

So take a day out of your own head.

Enjoy life now and leave later for the dead.

I’m not the enemy. I’m not against you.

I just need you to be cool.

Listen to what I have to say and understand there are no hidden intentions.

No triggers or repetition.

Just a honest bunch of words grouped together. 

To show you all that I’m different from the others.

Anxiety is a S.O.B

 

Anxiety , you sneaky SOB

Your impeccable timing .

It never fails, even when I want it to.

Flicking my hand away. Go away shoo.

Can’t sleep because of you.

Always feeling hot and never cool.

Why should my Anxiety rule? It’s not like it pays rent.

If I could sue, I would go after every cent.

Sadly,I have to do this the old fashioned way.

Watching what I say.

Praying for a good day 

Being a productive member of society today.

I know I can’t rush those things.

I just want to be there already.

My Soul held down and marinated in envy.

Realizing that won’t help and it definitely won’t me happy. 

As I said before,  I go at my own pace.

After all it’s not a race.

Going my own pace no hesitation

 

How am i suppose to be okay?

Guilt and Manipulation throughout my days

I guess i was little slow with picking that up.

Im dying over here, let me have that cup.

My throat is so dry.

Who is this lonely guy?

Defeatist thoughts, I wonder why?.

If he's meant to live, why does he feel like he’s about to die?

They say all his problems are small.

As if he could put it all in the closet that's in the hall.

Everyone around you is going through something.

Y'all act like I'm ungrateful or it doesn't mean nothing.

I only can control my own situation.

Going at my own pace, no hesitation.

You can only perceive only what you believe.

No,I'm not depressing

My life can be though from time to time.

Got all these words going through my mind.

It’s not all bad.

I’m not always sad.

However....

Can't say its okay and then dump me in the trash.

Just not how it all works.

Have to plant my feet in the dirt.

As I stand tall.

Walking cautiously as I try not fall.

I’ll remember who was there and who was not

Who knows where is the final stop.

Let me forgive those who don’t know and continue on this path.

Maybe in time I will remember to laugh.

Need more motivation and less procrastination.

Going at my own pace with no hesitation.

When you feel like your in the way.

 

I honestly feel like I’m just in the way.

It hasn’t been good these last couple of days .

My anxiety seems to have risen a whole lot.

I feel like at any moment I can just drop.

My anxiety gets to me in ways I never knew.

Normally I could just be cool.

Now I’m just all over the place. 

Nothing but sadness in my face.

I’m crumbling slowly

Can anyone else see?

They ask me what’s wrong i tell them and then say they can’t help me.

You have to help yourself and that’s what I’m trying to do.

I’m not like y’all on the gram , snap or fb who seem to have a clue.

Y’all smile and I’m just here trying to keep together.

In any kind of weather.

I know shouldn’t compare but I feel like these cry for help I’m writing and no one seems to get it or care.

At least at my job that seems to be case.

Just another day amongst the human race.

Why am I here if I feel like I’m just in the way?

Im here now you say but someday it won’t always be that way.

I want to trust again

 

 

Is there anyone out there I can legit trust?

100% loyalty is a must.

If someone is double-dipping, Let me  be far away.

Trust isn’t something can be earned in a day.

I want to be able to trust again.

Why you out here spreading my business man ?

Running and telling people, didn’t know you was snitch .

I could just say you is a B

You know what , it ain’t even worth it.

I thought I was around the real ones.

Knowing when to be serious and when to have fun.

Telling the world about me.

People have a funny way to perceive what they see in me .

I know I can’t let it get to far.

Nigga I walk, it ain’t like I have a car.

Gotta  go at my own pace .

I don’t need to go behind your back, I’ll say it to your face .

People like you need to be erased.

I’m just angry right now, don’t mean to catch a case. 

There’s a line between snitching and being concerned.

If you didn’t know that, time for you to learn.

I can’t stand traitors who are out here scheming.

Time to pull the walls up, catch my meaning ? 

Aftermath of an Anxiety Attack

I hate when my mind goes back to back.

Can’t breathe right now , having an anxiety attack.

Come on, I don’t need this right now .

I climbed so high, I don’t want to fall down.

Is it so bad to just see the good in myself?

There is nothing wrong with needing help.

I am continuing the contributions to the improvement of me.

After all, I have to keep going. 

Nobody but God honestly has the last say.

Things gets to me to ruin my day ?!

I didn’t ask for those things okay.

What happened to me then was not just nothing

I literally believed I meant nothing.

Enemies are often those who were once close to you.

Whether it be friends or family or a significant other too.

The shock hits me when those words formed.

Like how could they say that, I’m so torn.

Maybe they got fed up.

 It feels like being around me was bad luck.

If you felt like I gave you the upmost reason to stay away, I’m sorry.

My problems are my own and I am healing.

I’m done explaining myself and trying to show people what I am about.

When did people decide to replace faith with doubt ?

Making it clear...

It’s not easy to go forward when you are always in the past

According to some, its where you can find me at.

Somewhere between hopes and dreams.

Trying to remain positive and stay clean .

Clean from the filth that I wade through every day.

Taking time out just so I can pray .

Praying for a good day or something nice to say.

 I am Not where I was before.

Told the unstable character to head for the door .

This can’t be all there is , there has to be more.

There is more to life than just depression.

Like my dad says, each day is a lesson.

Just have to pay attention like it’s the classroom.

Taking down notes so I have a clue.

I can’t always be so blue.

Blue is my color because of the sky.

Climbing up so high.

I like the view.

I can keep this up if I pull through.

I’m not that same guy and I would like to make that clear . 

Keeping my head up even through this crappy year .

No Slippin

 

Can I please go back in time.

To the 90s please , that be fine.

Right now in 2020 it is so hectic.

People’s attitude towards things is pathetic.

I’m doing me, taking me day by day.

Going to work and getting paid.

It just feels I’m repeating the same cycle. 

Like throwing stones and it makes the same ripple.

I need something new.

Something I have yet to do.

Something that is meaningful and just.

Good for the moral conscience is a must.

For at times , the day can be pretty bleak.

Ever changing weather and shifting personalities.

Then there is me.

I’m here in the middle of it trying to figure it all out.

I don’t know how I will but I’ll make it somehow.

I have to and I have to remember that I have limits.

Sometimes I think I’m Goku going beyond this.

Into this mature person, free from the chains of the past.

I pray it will last

God ,please hold me close and don’t let me flip.

I don’t want to slip.

Slip on the ice known as depression.

Deserve What???

 

When I’m outside and see someone else happy.

It’s at that same moment I feel so crappy.

I feel like why do they deserve to be okay ?

Before I get cursed out ,Here me out for what I have to say.

I’m grateful for waking up today . 

I’m grateful to have survive the day.

It’s rough for me on the inside .

Tough to smile when I really want to cry.

I have to tough it out.

I have no room to doubt.

People don’t deserve a lot because they take it all for granted.

When I have less and they have more I can’t stand it.

I work too.

I mean it when I say I care about you.

So why not me as well?

I can’t stand dealing with all this internal hell.

That’s why i do what I can .

Not for them ,but for me. Understand.

I’m not needy yo😕

 

Someone told me that I can’t be needy.

 There are some things I do need.

For example, I need to be able to speak my mind.

Everyone else can so when is it my time?

I need to go outside without feeling afraid.

Depression and Anxiety is still a thing okay.

I need to believe in me.

Many things are out of my control, I need to let that be.

I need to not doubt.

Deciding whether to stay in or to go out.

Second guessing whether I belong or not.

Just a bad thought.

I’m sorry that what you say to me gets in my head.

Shouldn’t you be supportive instead.

Yes I know that I shouldn’t let it bother me but it has.

it has made me sad or even mad.

Looking at the mirror and saying you are better than this.

Know what is from what isn’t . 

A lot of folk could benefit from a kind gesture.

Especially through the stormy weather.

I need someone to understand that.

To see all not some Of the facts.

Just so I don’t crack.

I’m not needy yo

you and your opinion really need to go.

Insomnia

 

There is the one story that I wish tell. 

Even now in my mind, it gives me hell.

The thing in the night.

That wakes me up with such a fright.

I just wish talking about it were easy.

It’s not though. Makes my stomach queasy.

Makes me think the whole time I was the bad guy.

Got me doubting my beliefs and asking God why?

I though that I could be better than this.

Like walking across ice and trying not to slip.

Trying not stumble and trip.

Trying to keep it contain so that I don’t flip.

It’s been a couple of years since I’ve dealt with this shit.

It messes with my head.

Make me believe I shouldn’t exist instead,

Yes I know the poem is depressing.

It’s overwhelming.

That’s how I’m feeling right now 

Don’t know how .

Even though I’m writing this on a bus.

On my way to work saying to myself, Good luck.

Right now I wish I didn’t give a fuck.

That’s not me at all.

I care too much even as I fall.

Falling down on my knees to the ground.

Crying slowly as I don’t make a sound.

As my heart slowly pounds.

I wonder is it enough to have me around ?

Where did it all go?🤯

 

That feeling, where did it go?

 searching the depths of my soul.

I just wanna know.

I just wanna have hope.

To be fair.

I would like someone there.

I need to a moment to prepare.

Let me breath in this fresh air.

As I heal my broken body.

Falling back into old hobbies.

Looking back on some fond memories.

Seeing photos of people who I wish didn’t leave.

It’s about me accepting the reality.

Talking up responsibility.

I’m grown  and I have things I need to do.

As I write this, I do think of you.

Probably shouldn’t  though, bad memories aren’t so cool.

Especially one after the other while i am trying to sleep.

Only the best memories I do keep.

Keep it close 

You never know.

Sooo Awkward😐

 

I just don’t know how to be social,

 I sound like an awkward commercial.

I walk up and just freeze.

Don’t know how to not react badly.

It’s just one of those things I have to improve on.

I don’t like it when the feeling is gone.

It’s hard for me to find that feeling in the first place.

Can you tell by the look on my face?

I am socially awkward and I feel lost.

My voice is the only one I got.

I wanna be heard but I don’t know what to say.

Trying to ask co-workers how was their day.

Same shit I suppose.

You know how it goes.

If It doesn’t work out, have to keep moving.

Moving forward is what I need to do.

Holding it all and exploding is something I don’t mean to.

I just need the right friends.

Keep me grounded, essential and to be able to understand.

I’m just a man, like everyone else.

Knowing how they and I felt.

We aren’t always on the same page.

Even so , I get it and they get it too.  

Getting over the awkwardness is something I need to do.

Doing my thing/too much on the brain.

You know what the problem is?
I've stared too long into the abyss
When im lost , im like what is this.
Nothing around me but darkness.
Sometimes i am afraid.
I think girls are all the same.
Scenarios are all over my brain.
Doesn't it sound insane?
I can't say all girl when i don't have the facts.
 it is all about me ? How about that?
You don't know jack.
I can't even form words half the time.
That's not issue when im writing down rhymes.
Rows of poetry on the thin blue lines.
What do i have to do to make it fine.
Should not be so sad any more?
Pick myself off the floor?
Spend less money at the store?
Take a specific course?
It's alot for me to think about.
Dont have the status yet to brag about clout.
Sure it may sound like doubt.
Depression in my brain, yeah i want out.
I want to keep on doing my thing.
Be hands on as i am working.
Keep my guard up as the enemy is lurking.
Time for more healing and less hurting.

Standing up...

Now I know there are those see my posts
Some are okay and others say I am a ghost.
Hope is something I’m in need of the most.
What ? Doesn’t everyone need a little hope?
Yeah I’m just one guy.
A guy who just does things and never asked why?
Is that a crime ?
Did I run out of time ?
I’m still here on earth so let me make the most of it.
Still get plagued by depression.
Not always does it plague me.
Not always do I have bad dreams.
I’m still writing and that’s saying something.
It’s progress
Nevertheless, it’s important for me to grow.
After all, I do have a good side I like to show.
So for those out there you see me as a joke.
Fade away quick like a puff of smoke.
Be careful with those words, it’s possible to choke.
Especially when you don’t know everything.
It’s not only just what you see.
Like that good stuff, grade A quality.
I’m a poet who can write it all down down .
On the bus onto the next town.
I’m here for the real ones, forget these clowns.
I’m not perfect, but I do try to do the right thing.
Is that telling you something?
It tells me that I have a chance.
To stand tall and be my own man.

We are family....sry a bit rusty.

Hey you , are you there ?
Did you know that I actually care?
Care about you , yes I do.
This isn’t about me , it’s about you.
Taking the time from writing about being sad.
Not all the time am I always mad.
When I write , my words reach the soul.
Give us the ability to crawl outta of the hole.
Taking chances and finding new doors.
Opening it to find so much more.
Yeah ,it may sound like I’m full of it.
Can people actually try reading this?
Seeing that I’m sincere with these lines.
Spreading awareness while there is still time.
Letting you know that I am someone who is around.
You can talk to me if your down.
Honestly I don’t like frowns.
Let laughter be the only sound.
In times like these, we need each other.
Just like a mother, father,sister,or a brother.
We are family.
We are unique.

What am I suppose to do ?

My eyelids , they aren’t blinking
At night , just straight up overthinking.
Overthinking how people see me.
Overthinking on how I can predict the ending.
Me alone with with no one.
Gotta stop sounding so dumb.
It won’t always be the case.
I have to go at my own pace.
Life isn’t a race.
Well at least to me it is not.
I could move so fast and not even stop.
That’s why rushing is bad.
Crash and burn ? Been there done that and it’s really sad.
I’ve gotten hurt from not thinking all the way through.
After all I did lose a lot and that’s not cool.
After all that , what  am I suppose to do?




My mind on depression...

It can’t be this hard to talk to someone.
Not everyone in the world , at least just one.
It’s too hard for me , I gotta runaway.
Then I’m thinking I don’t know when’s my last day .
To be thinking of good times that came before.
To be thinking about the present a little bit more.
Still doesn’t change the facts.
Facts I’m still having these attacks.
I can’t sleep because I wish I had someone to talk to.
It’s at times like these where I wish it could be you .
Like old days where I would kinda tell stories.
Now they are none, and it’s just hurting.
I’m still trying to be a selfless and caring individual.
Not really trying to compromise my morals.
If I keep on relapsing, then I will never learn.
If I choose not to care then let my world burn.
Let the captain go down with ship.
Jeez,enough with this.
That’s my mind on depression.

A case of writers block....Sike

Writers block
Let me not.
Write something from the school hard knocks
Ain’t It all a shock.
Here I am again just writing
How exciting.
I think I’m becoming numb.
Feeling so dumb.
Thinking that it is my fault.
Now I hide away my feelings In a vault.
Due to me making a mistake.
When don’t I take the cake?
Going in circles round and round.
Got that look on my face that says always down.
Not down for whatever, that be too good for me.
If I were considered , maybe.
For now though I’m dangling through these ropes.
Entangled between sorrow and hope.
I try to see the light but darkness is like nope.
Eh can’t just sit around a mope.
I have a job to do.
I may not see anyone for days months or even years.
that’s one of my biggest fears.
Grandma praying for someone to love me.
I hope so grandma, out here it’s pretty lonely.
I see that.
That’s a fact.
Wonder if anyone else does too?
What did I mean to you?

Let me be at Peace.

Let me be at peace with myself.
Let me not have to prove anything to anyone else.
I don’t seek from validation just so I can sound good.
I just wanted to know where I stood.
Among everyone including my friends.
I hope that it’s not me that brings it all to an end.
I know that sounds dark but I have had bad experiences.
From that  I have learned the meaning of patience.
Things just don’t happen right away.
Have take it day by day.
In order for me to see what is right in front of me.
Accomplishing all that I can be.
Seeing it as a goal.
Walking across that deep hole.
To the other side
Where my destiny lies.
The thing I want most in life.
Remember it’s all about positive vibes.

Had to say what I wanted say😐

Do you ever feeling like nothing you say matters ?
No one there to the rescue when the heart just shatters.
All those close people who leave at that moment.
Every now and again here comes a judgmental comment.
It makes you feel like as if your existence is pointless.
Even though make an effort to be selfless.
I know that I am good and caring.
I love what I do and what the next day will bring.
What I hate when I get left behind.
Why is it me , when I’ve been kind.
I don’t understand .
I’m not an ordinary man.
I don’t have ego or try to say I am better than rest.
I can’t even leave the house without a pain in my chest.
I don’t get why no one sees me.
Whenever I am crying.
On the nights when I feel like I’m dying.
No one is there.
I get judged for my drinking, I know it’s not a solution.
What can I do then?
Im not holding any grudges against those who hurt me.
I’m no longer in your life and your happy.
Happy with those you love.
At least god is watching me from above.
I’m grateful for that.
Especially when it’s bad.
I’m not going to give up
Even if Im left behind . Even if I get forgotten about. Even if someone decides to ask me just for help. Even if someone ask for me by mistake.
All these things are in my cup.
It really does suck.
I don’t think y’all see that at all.
You take my words as depressing and let me fall.
Help me...
It’s so lonely...
Would that be so bad or would you find it draining , overwhelming, or even suffocating?
Sad that people think that way .
I don’t wake up hoping for a bad day.
I just don’t want to be a bother after all I’ve done for people . That’s what i say.
I got a therapist so I’m not trying to make y’all that .
Tired of my chest hurting from these attacks.
I don’t want to die so then you can say you care.
How’s that fair?

Entanglement DEEZ Nuts

There is new word going around called entanglement.
Apparently that's a thing instead of commitment.
When things goes wrong and no one sees a way out.
They look at the person across the room and begins to doubt.
I am hurting right now, can't you see?
You're hurting ? Yes but ,what does that have to do with me?
Relating to the fact that I have been at the end of that table.
I guess I'm learning what the moral is just like in Aesop's fables.
It sucks that one person loves so hard while the other does not.
When sitting down receiving the bad news and that sudden shock.
The other person face always seems to be cool.
Shit if that we were me, I never do that shit to you.
Why bother being around at all?
Why let me take that fall?
Aren't we suppose to be there through thick and thin?
Was you just waiting for your opportunity to win.
I just don't get Entanglement.
Shit is straight whack at the moment.
One bad day can make a good man crack.
Then they want to say why you always got to snap.
"It's your tone of voice," as if being calm would change their mind.
Treating me less while for someone else you act kind.
Yeah I've been there and believe me that is some sad shit.
When I think about it make my head itch.
Not all of us guys is out here looking for the next one.
Broke us so bad, got me saying I'm done.
You hear a voice saying don't give up.
I don't want to but entanglement got me fucked up.
You only can love a person the best way you know how
Don't let the problem fester, handle it now.
If you can't see it, but you have a funny feeling in chest.
Best believe that person trying to find out who's next.
I got no love for people who do people filthy like that.
Can't even go into another relationship because anxiety attacks.
Oh it's paranoia you think so ? No it's not its facts.

If you love someone like actually you wouldn't do that to them.
Otherwise what's the point if you make decisions to harm your relationship with that person.
You clearly are trying to fill a void where love should be.
Yeah you can get fed up with the person but it goes both ways and if you choose to do the easy thing instead of the right thing well nothing else can be said.

Really hate losing....😔

One thing about me is that I  always end up losing someone.
I really don’t like losing anyone.
To me I feel like I am the one who’s dumb.
Trying to be there for someone just for them leave.
If that’s so, did I mean much to you as you did me.
Sometimes it can’t be help when it’s the end.
Thought we could remain friends.
I thought I could understand.
I thought i could do the best I can.
Yet, I can’t get mad if you decide to do so.
After all you decided next where you wanted to go.
What I wanted was to be there right with you.
To look in to the future and see what you do.
I’m not mad at you , more like sad.
Whether it was a friendship or relationship, I just wish it had last.
Alas
Life is funny like that.
That’s a fact.

Going Ghost is not On Purpose...

You know what really sucks the most?
Whenever I feel like I need to go ghost.
Ghosting is apart of my personality.
Not really done intentionally.
I feel as if I did something wrong.
That's why go ghost just so I can stay gone.
You may not agree.
You can even think its petty.
Nothing is petty about what I say or do.
Judging me huh? How about I judge you.
Tell you what you can go through.
Saying what you post is for attention.
Not to mention.....
Giving you absolutely no choice.
Hell you cannot even use your voice.
That's how it feels to judge anyone.
Like telling a person to dance as you shoot off a gun.
I don't have to take this at all.
For now I may take the fall.
I won't stay down there.
I need to go up and breathe the air.
Going through life, even though is hard.
Ghosting wont take me very far.
Standing invisibly as people accomplish their goals.
Let me learn this lesson for I am Jynex Sol.
Let me stroll into that good life.
Everything will be alright.
After all I am this Guy writing this poem here.
Just making sure my message is clear.

Woke up with fright.😬

Can’t sleep because I’m crying.
My chest hurts , it feels like I am dying.
Sometime I yell “why me?!
Oh my god, why is this happening .
My defenses have fallen .
I know that I can’t keep stalling.
I have to get through this.
Even though it’s some old shit.
I’ve done bad things but I’m not a bad guy.
Each day , I’m working and writing. I do try.
Making an effort to see the good within me.
Saying it’s not the end, the future is my destiny.
Deserving to live among friends.
Friends who grown to understand.
That you have your moments.
Get triggered by uneasy comments.
You know who you are.
You won’t get far.
You reap what you sow.
I’m not threatening anyone, just saying what I know.
You know how it goes.
I am me and I know what I am capable of.
I know that I am caring and so is the lord above .